THE LOOP QUOTES, PAGE I


I am the temp. My phone has many buttons.

-You must call Judi.
-I can't call Judi!
-You must call Judi.
-I can't call Judi!
-You must call Judi.
-I can't call Judi!
-I don't know who the FUCK Judi is!
-My hero!
-That is *not* from Electric Company.

The phrase that describes our generation is "I'm gonna hang my master's degree in my cubicle."

Okay, that's the textbook definition of a psychopath.

Where the FUCK's the quotelist???

Chicken is not a vegetable.

Watch the tree. Watch the leaves fall off if you watch to hard.

The SWAT team moves Melissa. Hut! Hut-hut-hut-hut Hut-hut hut!

Some people take the high road, some people take the low road, and some go screaming down the highway dropping flaming bits of wreckage.

-How did they do that to her hair?
-Lots and lots of mousse.
-The crispy kind!

Of La Mancha!

-We have two Amys. We're gonna have three when Amy shows up.
-Which Amy? Oh, Amy.

I will be forced to beat your head in with something large and quite possibly unwieldy.

-I'm not just a piece of meat to be exploited...
-Oh, sure you are.

How much to upgrade the pizzas?

-How much would that come to?
-I can't tell you 'til noon.

Um...the bannister *was* in the wall...

And now, we will re-enact the barricade scene from Les Miserables.

Tell the manager that the guy answering the phone should never be hired, ever.

Curses! It's bread!

My patron Saint, Fuck - you've heard me speak of him often - whenever something goes wrong... FUCK!

Oooooh! Right in the restaurant..

There will be no weapons at the Karen Carpenter Concert.

The walls are fragile.

-What do you think she does for a living?
-Three guesses, the first two don't count - I bet she's a physician.

When I get tired, I swear in Spanish, so I'm glad you told me.

I've had banana bread, Slim-Fast, and donuts.

I'm Batman - give me some fucking candy.

-Mmmmm....this is wonderful! What is it?
-It's Muppet!

There is something in the truck. We don't know if it's yours.

Your mouth is moving, but I don't hear any words coming out.

Eat pizza - and stand!

Dude - you are wearing the shirt of the band that you're going to see. Don't be that guy.

I have to drive the truck - my sunglasses are on the dash.

We're just gonna throw this away - anyone need a couch?

That was funny ha-ha, not funny quote list.

-We must work with gravity.
-Yes, because if you work against the laws of physics you'd be a Warner Brothers cartoon.

The only thing I learned in college was my social security number.

-Greek was my language in college.
-Can you recite your Social Security Number in Greek?
-No.
-Didn't learn much then, did you?

-I'm aming towards making enough money to hire a maid and a cook.
-Boy, that'd take care of everything but sex.

-We give our rulers a crown, they give their rulers a name.
-No, we give our rulers $200,000 a year and a whole lot of shit.

-They're Eves!
-They're Clairol Eves!
-I like evil children.

I spent most of my childhood up a tree.

I almost snarfed tomato - I still have tomato in my nasal passages.

Zippy's - home of the big zip?? No, home of the cheesy beef.

You want to ctrl-alt-del the Zippy dude.

The humor... the humor...

-When was this?
-Last night.
-Was I there?
-Yes.

Bread detail coming up!

He's Cabana Weasel Boy.

You could bowl for thirty miles.

Warm weather makes us stupid - we know this from visiting those parts of the country.

Ravinia Con!

-Why are they walking in the road?
-Then think they're cars.

-It's all beyond me.
-It's all beneath me.
-It's all slightly to the left of me.

Weird, but good. Watch out for the raspberries.

Oh, Beautiful, for spacious pies, for amber waves of pie, for purple pies' majesty, above the fruited pie - America, America, God shed his pie on thee - and crown thy pie with brotherhood from pie to shining pie!

He's Flirty-Man! He rips open his shirt and... there's nothing underneath, because he's Flirty-Man!

Robert had a cat-spaz!

Oh, it's a cute little thing!

-What are those sticks for?
-Beating people.
-What were they *ostensibly* for?
-Beating horses.

Nouns! Nouns!

It's Circus on Ice on Sand! Help me!

Lugnuts from heaven - of La Mancha!

He is an attractive spooky teabag.

Eew! Eew! Eew! Did I mention eew?

Everyone try to get a marshmallow in her cleavage when she comes down the chute.

Let's not throw anything at anything except the tv.

It's a Scooby-Doo moment.

The sixties are so last year.

You ever eat a Twinkie without the cream? They suck!

-Joe has a bad case of people.
-Yes, but unfortunately, his people don't write any better than he does.

I have a sentence! Let me get it out of my face!

That has nothing to do with Skinner! That's just someone who likes Skinner and Thin Mints.

We need better casting agents in our lives.

The Vulcan neck-punch?

That would be the dawn of the universe... okay, flee.

Gang-banging Ray Bolger, ladies and gentlemen!

-He's not healthy.
-But he accessorizes well!

Your honor - happy socks. I rest my case.

I could be a real fan-girl about this and just wig!

-It's kind of hard to sing when you're unconscious. "I had this horrible dream - I was supposed to sing an aria, but I was unconscious! It was really awful - they just dumped me on the stage, and I thought, gee, I wish I could sing, but I'm unconscious!"
-What's so funny?
-I don't know, I wasn't paying attention, 'cause I was unconscious!

Was there a verb involved?

Is this a fan?
Is *this* a fan?

It's the Tribble of Death!

I'd rather conjure up evil that I can't contain than debt I can't contain. At least evil would be interesting. Debt just makes me poor.

-It's not tv, it's monkeys quoting tv!
-That's fandom!

Shit you're making Mulder look like the Mensa Poster Boy.

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb and just about to be dead.

It's not very policemanlike to beat the shit out of the suspect.

I don't know why I'm laughing, since you just threatened my life...

Set phasers on "bite me".

Set phasers on "Prozac!"

-I want more people to die so I can have their stuff.
-I want their butterscotch!
-We've established that.

Fandom is jazz! The show is the baseline and we riff on it!

- It's a laugh a minute with us!
- but only if you're us.

-Apparently, he's magnetic.
-And, apparently, Dr. Kobyashi is made of tin.

No spit-takes in my living room!

-This is worthwhile!
-I'm not happy.
-No, I mean the fact that he's partially naked.

-Art imitates life imitates art!
-Who's Art?
-I dunno, life's friend.

Surprise, surprise, it's just me!

-It's the guy, it's the guy, it's the whoozum guy, it's whoozum, it's the guy they were hurting, it's the whoozum guy!
-Andreas?
-Yes!!!
-No, it's not him.

-Pots and pans whizzing around the room.
-Hey, *I'm* the only thing that can whiz around the room!
-And that can be taken a variety of ways!
-Because, when he whizzes around the room, he whizzes *around* the room!

It's a crappy effect! Run!

-What's that, the little black book of how to break up a marriage?
-No, it's the Laws of Lichtenstein, Ingolstein, Inglenook, Marty Engels -whatever the name of the town is - country - whatever. What?

If you go get it, then you'll have it.

Lois and Clark is a vile piece of entertainment which keeps us busy until the X-Files comes on.

I'm just gonna sit over here and fail to get this completely.

*meow*
-What's that, Artemis?
*meow*
-Tara is locked out and has a nosebleed?
*meow*

-You win the big prize!
-Is it edible, or is it made of foam rubber?

I'm just a giant sattelite dish.

I would just usually fade to black - but I didn't. So then I sent it to people I knew who have *had* sex and said, "Is this right?"

'zines should not spontaneously become odiferous.

He was fucked in the head. He would give Mulder a run for his money, but it wasn't sexy on Aaron.

I'll see you a boyfriend and raise you one neurosis.

North Carolina respectfully yields to Technicolor.

Why is his leg so cool?

Adams, Adams, Uber-Asshole!

Our audience used to throw stuff like Skittles at us, and it was really annoying if you were supposed to be a dead body.

-I'm gonna re-read my favorite catalog.
-A new fandom for you!
-Yeah, I'm gonna cross it over with L.L. Bean.

I could be wrong. I think I'm wrong - I'm wrong.

This is an actual Egyptian villa, in Egypt.

Yes, it was a bowl of duct tape that done 'em in!

I love the taste of styrofoam in the morning!

You couldn't be more wrong if you didn't speak English.

It comes back? It's a boomeregg?

-Is bigly a word?
-Yes. I just made it. It means 'bigly'.

Conceived in hell and born in strife, but she got better.

-Let's go it's green let's go let's go it's green let's go! I'm in a mood.
-*A* mood?

Oh my God, he's handcuffed and Scully and Skinner are at the door - he is SO fired!

-I'm not Cary Grant.
-Aren't you?
-Wanna switch glasses?

Snarfing solid stuff is bad.

-Gone with the Schwinn.
-I thought you said "Schwim" like David Schwimmer.
-Kermit is not dating David Schwimmer.
-That's slash that scares me.

You *know* what shape an alien head is!

If I were me, I'd... I am me.

This one needs a new battery - this one's Mulder's.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I forgot what I was gonna say...

I'm eating Krycek, hee hee.

You're so funny when you almost die.

-Oh, fuck me.
-Maybe later.
-I don't have a penis.
-That was a RHETORICAL fuck me.

You're thinking...you're thinking...and you're stopping!

-I can't read this.
-What does it say?

I'd rather drive a truck full of dynamite than run for president anyway.

Er, pagan, not vegan.

And now my teddy-bear bomb and I are going bowling.

When in doubt, call people Amy.

If Mulder thought that his sister was off naked on some island living with the seals, he'd go.

- C.K.
- C.K. run.
- Run, K., run.
- C.K. wish she were on another show.
- Wish, K, wish.
- See the producers say they've never been more creatively satisfied.
- Lie, lie, lie.
- Watch the ratings drop.
- Drop, drop, drop.
- See fans flip.
- Flip, fans, flip.

She was a vulcan - with wings and a tail.

"If you please -- assimilate me a sheep!"
"Sheep are irrelevant."
--The Little Borg

Much clunk. Bad clunk-near-the-sock-clunk.

Tom Cruise's new movie: Whomp Me Upside the Head IV - The Return of The Big Stick.

It's about time, it's about space, it's about Hitler and the Master Race...

If I lived in a Jude Deveraux novel, I'd have this incredible husband and three kids and they'd all be named Montgomery.

You've put a barrette on your alien.

"Ow" is an understatement of epic proportions.

I'm a little pre-occupied right now because my foot is trying to kill me.

If one of us could get our foot anywhere *near* our head, this would be semi-humorous.

No, no, Artie, don't eat Raoul.

Oooh, hot, not interested in putting that in my mouth right now.

They dumbed down a *soap opera*?

- You're yelling at the screensaver.
- Hey, it looks sentient!

That'll be something we hang on the wall with a plaque.... "The Clue Bat, Mark I"

I am picturing an actor who I think that I think it is╔Where's the Magic Movie Book?

- So, Ian McKellen is the Queen of England.
- No, John Hurt is the Queen of England.

- I'm afraid people would come into my group of friends and say, "How fucking weird!"
- But that's a good thing!

Here, have a nana, catch it or it will hit you.

I dont' know why the cows go bungee jumping, because ninety percent of them die.

See, Tara's under the blanket because she can't stand watching.

Randi comes out of the closet the entire episode.

- She can't do anything in that skirt unless it's made of lycra╔.it's made of lycra.

- I have no retention, obviously.
- I retain water!

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!

Excuse me, stigmata are not conducive to bicycle pedaling.

Jesus H on toast!

Moliere was sitcomes before there were sitcoms.

You have a human calculator volunteer.

Life is a word problem.

It is pure, distilled UST, though.

I started paging through the smut at work.

Things to beat, people to do.

While I do often say that I'm a human quote generator, you really don't have to write down everything I say.

- What can we introduce Scott to that will take him off our hands?
- A blowtorch!
- And an alibi.

-Are you pregnant?
- No?
- Are you sure?
- If I am, you'd better call the pope.

If your continued existence requires me to act like a five-year-old and suck...

Happy Last Day of the Year!

If I put on my shoes, I'll be able to think.

Tara was his first.

That's what cheese is there for--to lubricate shit.

Does your coffee go through into your coffee?

You said, "Oooh, chocolate." I saw bloody meat.

Hi, my blood chemistry changed so light bends around me.

God's a member of the mafia.

That's goto be obnoxious, if it's bothering you and you can't touch it.

I'm suddenly going, "Where's the bien?"

It would have been interesting if he'd turned to the rapist and bit her too.

I just don't go down that far because I run into breasts.

Why are all of our quote lists about breasts?

The story isn't over till the fat lady sings. Oh wait, that happened in Act 2.

The sink is possessed. It just gurgled at me.

I could see Pack doing Yoda for about 2 seconds.

Did you mean to have a protein in that sentence?

- We're going to stand here and be a source of annoyance and entertainment.
- Oh, cool!

I don't want children; I have friends who act like children for me.

Sorry, I was grabbing for Amy.

Okay, I want to know who bounced my bread.

She's wet. Why is she wet?

Affable! Affable! He's affable!

Jennie has a bouncing Nat.

- That's slightly anal.
- Slightly??!!

- What happened to the Sony boxes?
- Suzanne's pig ate them.

There's a Sony label on a Maxel tape!

If there are tapes in my room, they are definitely not out here.

I thought they looked good up there. <*drop*> --I think they look good down there.

Yes! Sex! Sex is good!

Sex is good; sex is fun. We're the class of '91!

EEG. --EEG. --EEG.

Okay, butter would be *bad* in this situation.

- Where are we?
- We're in a living room.
- Don't make me hurt you!

- If you're good and you read this, I'll let you read the sex.
- In that case, I'm reading this. I'm easy.

Amy, you're being compulsive. --Yes, I am, and it makes me happy.

- They could break off pieces of the glass houses and stab you with them.
- Or they could walk around naked and scare you to death.

I've done so many trys in their office I wasn't supposed to do.

A guy named Susan would turn a few heads.

- Tara love actors in a very different way.
- I have to make a tremendous effort not to be frightening.

- I think he's gay.
- Well, maybe he's just English.

Speak softly and carry big underwear.

Let's watch television; it's a new year, let's start it right.

Amy. Be my faucet.

It got eight and a half gallons to the mile.

- Touched by an angle?
- Oh. Bob Vila's new show?

I'm always for taking advantage of fortuitous circumstances.

It's kind of like an Hawaiian-Renaissance thing.

We need to cut a dealie so we can make the thingie.

- I never noticed before that Natalie maks noise.
- Oh, yes. Natalie is quite loud.

- I think of everything below the waist as genitals and everything above the waist as... toys, I don't know.
- TOYS? Where's the pen?

- Why don't we try to rent one of those?
- ...and while we're dreaming, I'd like a pony.

You stopped thinking and started talking.

I just bought $40 worth of videotape and no meat - where are my priorities?

- She's green and fuzzy!
- It's a Chia Death!

Tara just flushed her brain down the toilet.

I am always much closer to fear than I am to falling asleep.

Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! (chanted in unison)

STU!

- Someday I'm gonna find a man with a clue. I'm going to marry that man.
- I'm going to fuck him; you can marry him.

Tony is so going to try to kill Vinnie - 'cause that's the Klingon Way.

I'm facing the wrong direction and I want a biscuit.

It's not a party until someone snorts their eye out.

- I've been on stimulants all day.
- Oh, that's a fuckin' surprise.

Sonny Steelgrave is Ticketmaster!

The womb routine... and then she fell down.

- It feels kind of like when you punch yourself lots and lots of times...
- when you *punch* yourself lots and lots of times?? (said, in unison, by everyone else present)

There are no mob Garanimals. There is no Wiseguy: The Musical.

It's not the fall that kills Jessica, it's Kemba landing on Jessica that kills Jessica.

- There is NOTHING ironic in that song.
- You could push some of them to be ironic if you added something.
- Yeah, like irony.

- I wonder if this is good for the floor...
- Cheese? Don't think so.

- Jesus Christ.
- He is *not* like rain on your wedding day.
- He just brings the wine.

There's something in his head - it's Shaken Alien Syndrome!

Touch my Malthus!

Adolph had his reasons - issues with a capital "ich".

Poor Tara. Stuck on Vinnie's ass. What a tragedy.

My brain wants out.

- Let's all blow kisses at Frankie.
- Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
- And so, we did...

- Oh, he broke something.
- Yeah, Kathryn.

- I'm a rock.
- Are you an island?
- That's a rock up to its ass in water.

The pinwheels of your mind.

CLONE!!!

Wakko as Katerina Witt?

This is the 90s - we like sex with our violence, thank you.

There's a thingie over there, on the floor or on the thing or by the thing.

- Chakotay's going to sleep with a Borg? What the hell is he thinking?
- He's thinking it's sweeps.

Amanda is doing the Golliwog's Cakewalk of slash and mandarin oranges.

- I KNOW YOU!!!
- Uh... yes...
- Okay, just checking.

Wait - a condo - for rent - is an APARTMENT!

But *why* do I have to broaden my horizons?

The running gag ran away!

- Aim, you're dressed - go with her.
- Isn't this like some horror movie - they all go off in pairs and never come back...

Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Toronto!

- You know, I think that Froot Loops migrate to their own kind.
- I think you need detox.

- Nigel, I have some bad news.
- Your fiancee is a centaur.

Can you imagine if Mulder shot Scully? He would walk through the door laden with plantlife.

I love that episode! I can't wait to show it to my roommate and my mom and random people on the street.

Revelation day. Money buys things and I'm weird.

- Half-Scottish, half-Jewish.
- Ah, that well-known religion: Scottish.
- Hey, Jewish is an ethnicity...
- In the Highlands they're Catholic and in the Lowlands they're Protestant.
- What, in the Midlands they're Jewish?
- There are no Midlands in Scotland.
- Yes, they herd trafe.

We need our own gag reels for when we blow lines.

- You're Yahweh!
- She is not Yahweh.
- I'm his younger, smarter brother.

She was fen in a box.

- Penny said it's not allowed to have sex yet; it's too young.
- We don't want sex; we want gender.

Welcome to the wonderful world of hormone therapy.

I want to bask in the glory known as Anthony Stewart Head.

Oooh...what kind of road kill?

Cute people are good no matter where they are.

Are we big morons or just little morons? --Just medium-sized morons.

Watch your pudding?

It's 30 years of blue balls. --Well, if you're in Medical, I guess. And if you're command, they're red, and yellow if you're engineering.

Why exacerbate the situation, you ninny!?

Oh, look, Tom got caught in a mud slide. Oh, look, Tom got attacked by a bear. Oh, look, Tom's blinded.

It's prozac for Vulcans!

- Oh, that isn't hurt; that's rip your heart out and whang it against a wall.
- Oh, and that wouldn't hurt?!

Tom, you're male. --He's thinking. That's what's getting him in trouble.

Oh, the Irish guy who takes the crap! Oh, he's so funny!

You must chill; I have hidden your diaphragm.

I am a sexual innuendo. On a steeeeck.

Tom just reminds me of Doogie Howser all grown up.

We're gonna have sex now--hush! --That's why you're not declawed.

What's grunty? I don't know.

- Do you want to know why I'm stupid?
- You mean, other than the fact that you have dog on your head?

The Benny-Bot gets broken.

- The Benny-Bot has been cloned?
- The Benny-Bot is on drugs.

Pretty soon people are going to stop wondering why I'm so quiet over here.

- Benny, pretty soon you're going to figure out that running after cars is ineffective.
- Ask any dog.

What is this lately with guys on TV getting compared to dogs and the dogs *winning*?

He can't chase down a car. He can, however, chase down a train.

Okay, I've been watching Canadian television again.

Plot-plot-plot-plot.

He said, 'trek'. Heh. Heh.

- Be prosperous and multpily.
- I don't think he's Catholic.

I'm just going to lay here and pretend I don't notice anything.

It's been coming over her all weekend. ...Shut up, Nancy.

It's really sad when you see Xena: WP and you think Xena: WordPerfect.

They thought we really needed help. A couple of people asked what solvents we had been sniffing.

I'm petting the fucking dog!

I'm not seeing this.

Guilt-guilt-guilt-guilt. Guilt-guilt-guilt-guilt. We are the NatPack...

- Guess where it went?
- Down the toilet.
- What was it?
- Money. I couldn't have planned that better.

It's hard to be friends with the dead. It really is.

- What is Minbari War Syndrome?
- A crock of shit, apparently.

Oh, I know her. She's been to MediaWest. You can't fucking miss her.

- He was just very...smitten.
- Socially inept. Yeah.

This is a cute little brick. It's wee.

I am lousy with names. When I say lousy, I mean I have far too many.

Touch my Malthou!

- Confusion is good.
- Go, Chaos!

I'm taking their optical printer away from them.

Oh, yeah. That's your target audience: denture wearers.

It's basically going to be: *slam* "See this bulkhead? Pray it holds."

The Getting Amy To Eat Club

Interesting that in a list of words associated with Christmas they have imbue, lubricate, and loins, but they don't have children. ...Of course, it's a vodka ad.

That's why he's still a vampire: the vampire flies are buzzing around in his digestive system.

He's a Vampire of Very Little Brain, and he can't keep his head out of the honey jar.

- Crossover fanfic is a dangerous thing; it takes you places you don't necessarily want to go.
- How to pimp yourself into a fandom.

My car is considering running.

- Am I looking for anything in particular?
- No, I just gave it to you because it was in my hands.

I think that's what was wrong with my cat's brain; she got dressed in one too many cabbage patch outfits.

- She should still have scars.
- She doesn't.
- Of course not! They took off the makeup.

Preeeetty. ...I love Mulder.

Have a devil party. ..Uh, deviling party.

Illinois was a tree. One, big tree.

- Suck on it.
- I don't have clotting agent in my saliva.

So it's just dumbass behaivour not accompanied by dumbass loss of clothing.

- I love Mulder. He's my friend. I want to take him home and pat his head.
- Which head?

That's Muuuuuuuuldeeeeeerrr! He's a *man*.

The aliens really have to work on their landings, cuz they really make a disturbance.

A wedding in a Holocaust gym?!

We could clone David and download Mulder into his brain.

Runs-with-boiling-water

Walks-around-with-shit

Whimpers-at-Mulder

[Added at a later date: Responds-with-sarcasm]

How do I tell which one is the right-hand row?

You were scaring me the crap out.

As she attempts so speak through an egg full of mouth.

Ow. Fuck. Don't crack eggs on your wrist.

I'm from the planet Bimbo.

I have large bottles of random drugs.

- Sixteen sucked.
- Oh, I enjoyed it. Once.
- Sixteen sucked.

- I don't like tragedy.
- That's your right. I have a ridiculous taste for it.
- But it's *sad*.

There are Johns on this list and they're all morons.

Last week on "As The Loop Spins Wildly Out of Control..."

So clone human beings and then harvest their parts. Then we'll have the Clone Wars, but it'll be worth it.

Ah, nothing like the melodious sounds of small children beating on each other.

He punched out the tracking!

- What's that on her face?
- That's wrinkles.

When Charleton Heston dies, the NRA will stuff him and mount him.

Touch my Maltin!

Crayola Crayons box - Shades of Dead! Gangrene Green, Drowned-in-Pool, Three-Days-Dead...

I like George Foreman. He's huggable, for a guy who beats the shit out of people for a living.

<regarding Malkovich> No, he's the kinds of man who would hit you, burn you with cigarettes, lock you out of your house, and defecate on you after he's tied you to the bed.

I'm glad we're moving in with gay men. Gay men don't tie your door shut.

It was a passive verb and I was like help, help!

Psychologists have no fucking clue about people, and they're interested in why.

You have reached Amy and Amy. Amy doesn't live here. Please leave a message for Amy and Amy will get back to you.

It's not that I don't like them - it's just that they're gargoyles and they don't match the chandelier.

Okay, I still want to tell this joke because it's funny and it was relevant five minutes ago.

The Bataan Eucalyptus March?

- I will whomp you.
- I have glasses.
- She will whomp you and your glasses will go "spuh"!

Frat boys with guns are wrong. Granted, some places call this a police force.

I don't drive into trees, I drive into mailboxes.

Grampa couldn't really see or hear anymore, so he was a bad candidate to drive a car.

There can be brain-dead zealots in *any* city.

But it's *heavy*. I mean, throw-your-back-out-there-must-be-dark-star-matter-in-this-thing heavy.

She's blonde just like in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle oh look, a beanie baby.

- Do you want to see a slice of my head?
- Oh! Oh, yes!
- See, I love people like you.

He's a blank slate with language skills..

- You said you were ready!
- Ready and able are two different things.

- I like Dr. Quinn!
- It's become more and more about her hair.

- But Artemis isn't animated!
- You mean she's not a cartoon?
- Animated animals tend to talk more frequently than animals in our world.

- I was there for that!
- You *said* it.

- Elmer had lengthy conversations with Bugs Bunny.
- Elmer is a sad, sad little man.

Syrup, syrup, syrup - let's have pancakes soon.

It's like someone made fruitcake wall-to-wall nuts in story form.

Melissa, if you cloned yourself, you'd be smart enough to fuck him.

- How could they misspell *ISRAEL*?
- USA Today doesn't employ copy editors.

Touched By An Alien.

It has Tommy Lee Jones and things blow up. It's fine.

- Hello, warrant?
- But they were invited in!
- They're not vampires, they're FBI agents. They still need a warrant.

- I brought you calamari.
- I love you!
- *I* paid for it.
- I love you! I love anyone who brings me squid.

Do I even want to get into why there's a rubber shark in our dishwasher?

Where are my friends? I hate them!

You just signed "thingy".

Babel Contact Lenses!

Joe is amused by the random scary people.

If you cooperate with entropy, it becomes lax and then you can win.

Twelfth Night; or - What the FUCK's With The Boom Mike.

- The idea of soy cheese would be taken out and shot here.
- Yeah, it would manifest itself as a schmoo-like object.

All right; don't throw things at me while they're watching.

It's a song you could fall in love with Don Aiuppo to.

Okay, I'm talking to the squid.

- I can't flip an omelet to save my life.
- Good thing there are no mandatory life-or-death omelet-flipping
contests, then.

- Who would rob a bowling alley?
- A juggler without a penny to his name?

It's a bear. It's a footrest. It comes in black.

If you must spaz, spaz over there. Do not spaz near me.

- If I had... if I had....
- a hammer? But you *have* a hammer! And you're hammering in the morning! One down, two to go!

I don't care how stupid I am, I'm going to MediaWest!

...dead people are still funny!

God didn't like Krypton.

We are the Idiot. Resistance is Futile. Something Will go Wrong.

- Everything except the missionary position is illegal in Virginia.
- What if you slip?

We have no problem with heterosexual guys, as long as they have no problem with us talking about homosexual guys.

That was so funny. I'll laugh at it later when I'm rested.

Love the sinner, hate the pants.

- Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
- Sanctuary is fifteen dollars.
- Sanctuary for the poor!

Give me a big bowl of sputum, please.

We used up all our funny for official funny and we have no funny left for amateur funny.

- Do these grapes have seeds?
- Duh! We don't buy food that's work!

This is a *zany* episode.

Do you think they *knew* they were writing a romance for two men?

Hell-o! We're slash fen; we're automatically eliminated from judging what you like.

- Have you ever had sex with an animal?
- No comment.
- Hey, no problem. Okay then.

We are a sad little group of girls going around with our noses in his ass.

I made him purr!

And, once again, a lovely view of the parking lot.

- There is a Muskateer in here.
- Yes, I've seen two others.
- Three Musketeers! Fancy that!

- I'm going to get that thing for Tara.
- They're all gone.
- Of course they are, because I suck.

She's signing, she's signing, she's signing, and she's stopping!

I don't deal well with the undead.

Chick-UN!!!!

- Fuckie the Thingy was a happy jolly soul, with a corncob pipe stuck up his ass...
- I don't want to know where they put the coal.

- I was watching the news the other day...
- Good for you.
- You were too.

Come back here, you lactose-intolerant bitch!

If you're a suspected serial killer, they don't clean up for you.

Kibbles and borg and borg and borg!

I prefer Picard as the French, ahem, *British* man that he is. Can you imagine if he were actually French? You'd have to go around and smack him ALL THE TIME!

If I felt like I had real skills, I'd have such an attitude.

It's where old hummus goes to die.

That's not a fish. Fish have wings. Fins. Flappy things.

- What tastes funny?
- The clowns! The clowns! Old joke!
- Oh, I was like, the pecans?

We couldn't turn left 'til we got to Nevada.

Ooooooooh - air.

- Around the world to the left in 80 days.
- I think I'd miss work.

It was a drive-by puking!

My favorite part of the dictionary is the snuhs!

Rockin'! That's sexual harrassment!

- Frank Oz is doing Yoda in the first movie.
- Well, I assumed so, 'cause Miss Piggy in this movie would so not work.

How do we know this?.... We know this for obvious reasons, don't we...

- Well, I've had enough fun for today.
- No you haven't! It's early in the morning!
- Well, then, I've had enough fun before I've had a Coke.

- Anthony Daniels would make a great Jefferson!
- C-3P0?
- What? Anthony Edwards.
- Okay, Anthony Edwards is on ER and Anthony Daniels is C-3P0. Who do you
mean?
- The guy from... Marguerite!
- MARGUERITE???
- Scarlet Pimpernel.
- Anthony Andrews.
- Are you sure?

- Nothing's worse than rotten potato salad.
- Sure. Lots of things are worse than rotten potato salad. Civil war!
- I have to give you that. Civil war is worse than rotten potato salad.

I would do that. I would think that. I would certainly wear that.

- I want to be blissfully ignorant until I drop.
- You already are blissfully ignorant...
- Hey, hey, hey!
- It's too easy...
- I'm not blissful; I'm cranky.
- You're crankily ignorant.

- PFUI!!
- Pfui??

- The times, they were a'changin'.
- The people, they were a'high.

- What are those things called? Round killing things...or shamrocks.
- They're called shakram.

Excerpted without permission, cuz he's dead and spinning in his grave. Do not use this story to teach your children to read.

- She's such a dope.
- *I* would do that.
- Yeah, you're a dope too.

Don't let Oscar.... Okay, go *fetch* Oscar.

He'll stand behind you and tickle your but with his fur.

Anytime they do "post-apocalyptic Macbeth on the moon" I'm gone.

Hello, Buffy-mom. Guess what I did? I wrote Tom and B'Elanna sex. That was a good scream.

If it's fermented, that would make it alcohol. Cool!

I am safe; no one will fuck with my peeps.

The structure of the story was good, the characterizations were accurate, and the sex was....interesting.

It seems like all my sex is in the bathroom. At least it was last time.

I hate people on my feet.

- A vampire with self-help books: I'm Undead, You're Undead.
- I'm OK, You're Not OK.

Gather ye monks while ye may.

Chocolate Humble Pie!

- They're Claussen!
- So, they're snappy!
- And storks like them!
- Storks like them. Yippee.

- Toasty buns, toasty buns!
- Write that down!
- What, toasty buns?
- It's the Toasty Bun Song!

-Oh, goody! Prepare for doom!
- I need a Coke.

- Nature isn't everything. Nurture isn't everything. Neither. Neither nature nor nurture is everything.
- Okay, what?

She is evil. She is evil and gloomy and she must be stopped.

- How was the gym? Whad did you do? What was it like?
- Ow...

Don't hate me because I'm atonal.

Oh, don't do that. Anthrax will ensue.

- I think we're gonna have trouble finding X-Files Lite Brite punch-throughs.
- I'm thinking that's a real niche market.

You know, I have no affection for Hispanic nations.

This is my entry in the "I have a weird brain" olympics.

Feed me. Feed me before I talk because I can't be civil.

German people bother me. And it's not just the invading Poland thing.

- It's called "penis envy".
- And who in their right mind would envy Gene Roddenberry's penis?

Hello, your proctologist called. They found your head.

Borg ship -- Voyager. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM! Hell-o???

- No wonder this stuff burns your mouth - it burns your skin!
- Hello, salsa!
- This is cool!

- Nobody gets in to see the Wizard, not nobody, not no-how!
- But I'm Vinnie Terranova!
- The Witch's Terranova? Well! That's a hood of a different color! Come on in!

- What is up with Vinnie?
- Too much bran for breakfast.

- They're happy!
- They should clap their hands.
- Only if they *know* it.

You don't count. I mean that in a good way.

Bob called and he said, "How are you?" and I said "I can't log in, Bob, I'm not feeling particularly well."

What, Lassie? Fuck You? Timmy said Fuck You?

- No blood.
- No woman.
- No cheese, Grommit!

You're deep and yet disturbing, buh-bye!

- So, what's gonna happen if I ask you now; are you going to hit me?
- Yeah. We're going to hit you.
- I always feel so welcome here.

- He's dumber than he looks.
- Vinnie just goes with his guts.
- His guts are dumb.

- I'm sorry, this was part of a conversation I was having in my head, and you weren't done. Go ahead.
- I'm done now! WHAT?!

He's sort of breaking the rules. Kinda. If you stretch it. I just like the "bing".

Where did I put Skinner?

A sammich is a sammich, but a SAMmich is ... a sammich.

The view is blocking the view of the view.

- Oh, dear. You're actually on fire.
- Yes. I was on fire.

We're talking about dilithium that moves a several thousand ton hunk of shit faster than light through the universe. We smile and nod.

Give Jessica the stress ball.

Fen like in-jokes, even when we don't get them. That's what separates us from the rest of humanity.
- Write that down.
- Now, *that's* what separates us from the rest of humanity.

Where's Romeoville?

Mannheim Steamroller? Oh, no, I'm thinking of Bachman Turner Overdrive.

- Ah. Something I can throw away.
- I knew you'd like that.

Okay now don't make me laugh, because I stop breathing and that's *so* not good.

- Why don't I hear it?
- Because there is no god.

He's got Alka Seltzer in his veins, he's so effervescent.

Walking? Rolled a three. Breathing? Rolled a three.

Oh, I've seen that! That's your....that's your...you wear that!

I think Sean Connery was a dork in the sixties.

You're gonna find like thirty of those things. If you keep laughing, you're gonna like...hurt yourself.

I have to move the ficus and then we can walk.

Put the pen down and back away slowly.

We're women. Of course we have a warped, twisted relationship with food.

Post creative rationalization.

Great. Now it's mutual.

Just because she's using the wrong term doesn't make her a bad doctor. The fact that she's killing people makes her a bad doctor.

- I didn't see anything.
- I didn't see anything.
- I saw everything.

The theory of yes or no.

The theory holds--get turned, get bright lipstick.

- She's Nosferatu.
- She's Italian?

But Lucy, I'm engaged.

- You're dead.
- But I'm British.

That was only a move to fool the feebleminded. No offense.

Oh, dear. Love Boat. Oh, dear.

Nothing's moving in the background. It's the Love Boat.

You're right. The Ranger badge *is* a pentacle.

He follows the pattern of the MacLeod men! *Stab.* Take off your bra.

There's a blond wrapped around Ian like Velcro.

Oh, ow, ow, ow. Since when did MacGyver play the guitar? Ow, ow, ow.

This is going to be a great run-on sentence.

Quotes get better when you're tired.

I don't have any non-energy. I just don't have any energy either.

...a female epitaph teacher.

Psu-pseudo-education.

XF--it's like they're in the Cheers bar--everybody knows your name.

I was just talking. Someone else should be listening.

- Too fast, too far.
- Oh, yeah, story of my life...

Anytime I want no information, I know who to call!

You'd really have to wonder about a partner who was always tasting the evidence.

Game of celestial telephone?

Stupid God. Why does he always get in the way?

Can you get the angel out of my cell?

- One day she's gonna snap.
- Snap, crackle, pop!
- That reminds me, I'm hungry.

It's a horrible film; you have to see it.

We don't need a quote list; we need a court stenographer with us at all times.

- So this is Minneapolis.
- This is St. Paul.
- Oh. So this is St. Paul.

How hard can it be to hire a thing of sheep in New Zealand.

I didn't know what a time was most of the day.

And I brought the spooshie pillow, what was I thinking?

I wanna go berserk! I wanna go berserk!

God's a member of the mafia.

That's got to be obnoxious, if it's bothering you and you can't touch it.

I'm suddenly going, "Where's the bun?"

It would have been interesting if he'd turned to the rapist and bit her too.

- I just don't go down that far because I was into breasts.
- Why are all of our quote lists about breasts?

The story isn't over till the fat lady says....oh, wait. That happened in Act 2.

The sink is possessed. It just gurgled at me.

I could see Pack doing Yoda for about 2 seconds.

Oh! It *glows in the dark*. I though you said Lois and Clark.

Did you mean to have a protein in that sentence?

- Mph umph...uh-uh.
- Don't take the long, thin thing out of Amy's mouth.

I'm trying to figure out where I want my mouth to be.

I'm getting sticky.

Yeah, I was gonna say, "Oh, Ms. Corpse."

Ooh, hot, not interested in putting that in my mouth right now.

They dumbed down a *soap opera*?

- You're yelling at the screen saver.
- Hey, it looks sentient!

Tara was his first.

Does your coffee go through into your coffee?

You said, "Oooh, chocolate." I saw bloody meat.

I get to hack at unsuspecting nuts.

- I'm so happy I know you!
- Oh, I can't breathe.

I shoveled the lake.

Let me get out of the way of the humans.

- We're going to stand here and be a source of annoyance and entertainment.
-Oh, cool!

It was four dollars, but it bends, and that disturbs me.

He has such a case of people it's not even funny.

You've been caffeinated since age four.

To sign makes our English unnecessary.

Fucking like bunnies will not help save the world.

We're golden grahams.

Oedipal underwear? Right up there with the Freudian slip.

The island is lovely, but nobody lives there.

Beeeeees! Bees!

Did you *snarf*?

It's a Kevin Sorbo doll, with clothes and hair. --As opposed to those naked Kevin Sorbo dolls.

You are willing to accept the most outrageous plausible answer rather than the most plausible outrageous answer.

That's why you're going to look at someone who gets shot and keeps coming and say, "He's dusted" rather than "He's a bloodsucking member of the walking undead."

Sage makes stuff taste like dirt.

- I swear someone used something from the Friteenth shop and built it into the circuitry [of the Enterprise-D holodeck].
- It was called the plot device.

If I shake too hard, my brain hits things and it hurts.

But did you *steal* the toilet paper from McDonalds that you used?

Someone named a restaurant after that feeling you get when your undies jump up your butt?!?

My twelve year old malch Scot.

Colleges, cows, contentment, and corpses.

So that's Dad. That was Step One. Steps two through ten will be Mom.

Do people ever get stabbed here? I'm thinking that late at night, when people have been drinking heavily, and there are all these steak knives laying around....

You would be transported to Australia by the English government, you'd be so transported.

- It releases something phosphorescent.
- But that's not a selling factor for food for me.

Hey, Bubba's a *Fed*!

Let's not die because we're trying to swat a fly with a little Bible.

Let's name him. Let's kill him!

"Johnny You're a Rovin' Blade" does *not* start out "Jeremiah was a
bullfrog."

Anything titled the "megaga show" is gonna have a lot of dick jokes.

What will you do when it's time to die?/I'll look St. Peter in the eye,/and
tell him I'm a pagan spy.

- Robert is so...
- Vacant. The word you're looking for is vacant.

- It's one of those places where if all the sirens go off, you must leave the area immediately because a big, gaseous cloud is headed your way.
- Oh, great. An airborne toxic event.

Scott Bakula is a definite skin. He's a mandatory skin. Don't put that back on. I don't care how cold it is, don't put that back on.

Could you imagine. Owen Burnett the vehicle.

Most fanfic is Krycek torture.

Eat pie now!

Hold your breath until you pass out, and when you wake up, your hiccups will be gone.

Oh, good, her tongue *is* doing something.

-No more sex with your tie on, Mulder.
- He's peaceguarded.
- Then it would be elsewhere.

- They don't want a wiseass as Miss America.
- Well, we're right out.
- Rita Rudner as Miss America.

Oh, good. We'll drive to my car and I can say hi to it. We never talk anymore.

Don't you think it's wonderful that we have gas?

This'll be worth wearing constrictive undergarments.

Daisy the Camera Girl!

- You were, um...
- Flashing the neighbors?
- Yeah. It was a look.

- It's a Peach Amanda.
- It's a Shampoo Banana.
- That wouldn't taste good.
- Nothing with shampoo would taste good.
- It never tastes as good as it smells.

I've been snod!

- What have I done with the lipstick -- bugger!
- I hope that's not what you did with the lipstick.

Snow White: Terror Bitch.

I wasn't here for that, but obviously I was.

- That helps. It's nummy.
- In every sense of the word.
- There's another sense to 'nummy'?

- Danny Kaye and Laurence Olivier?
- They're a beautiful couple.
- They'd have had beautiful children if one of them wasn't a man.

It's unfortunate that they got a jumpy brain.

Real brains don't go boing; they go spuh.

Ward, I'm worried about Skinner's head.

I made a Shakespearean jelly funny!

Ooh! We can throw beanie babies at Katie when she needs a nap!

I just gave myself a puncture wound. That was bad.

They just when whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop spuh and everyone on the
bridge went "raaaaalph"!

He's a Native American. He has to tell stories. Native Americans and Jesus. they do that a lot.

You're more than my captain; you're naked!

One-track mind, that Borg.

Okay, if you have amnesia about the last 800 years of your life...

It's Baa, the Gimp Lamb!

I fell asleep in my clothes; I went to bed unexpectedly.

I just keep talking until I know what I'm saying. Then I understand what I meant.

Non-good friends don't wind up in my bed, so I figure it's okay.

No woman is going to waste her time writing "The History of Farting". That's just a gimme.

I like him wet. Wet is good. Wet makes your clothes shrink.

- We not only have people, we have each other's people.
- My people will contact your people.

She makes Giles' penis point straight at the ceiling. It's a good thing.

- He's Gandhi?
- He's *gone*.
- Gandhi's gone too...

Secret Aaaaaaapron Man!

- She doesn't do slash, she only has straight pins.
- Write that down!
- I love sleep deprivation.

- You look like a Samurai warrior.
- Don't make me laugh; I'm doing delicate surgery.
- Write that down!
- That won't be funny out of context.
- Sure it will!

- I shoulda had a real meal instead of eating little stupid things.
- You ate little stupid things?
- They were little and stupid. You wouldn't have missed them. They squeaked.

Thank you -- fuck you!

This diatribe was brought to you by the middle finger.

No wonder women couldn't have jobs. By the time they did their hair, it was lunch!

- He was raised by his grandmother.
- He was raised by wolves.
- He was raised by librarians. There's a difference.
- That's a good quote! That will be funny later!

The Riv - The Riv - The Riv is on fire... we don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn!

Some of us just play with cats with our religious symbols.

No one is as dumb as Robert Beltran. Charly in *Flowers for Algernon* is not as dumb as Robert Beltran.

Hang on, Amy is having a Little House on the Prairie moment.

Look: hair thingie, natural enemy of the kitty. ...Valiant kitty vanquished the hair thingie.

Come here honey, I will worship you.

Methos? Never heard of him. My name is...[simultaneously] George.

Set your phasers for "spuh".

That's insane--but it's you.

- Paint himself blue and hang off the warp coils?
- You'll have to see the whole thing.

Oh, that's semi-frightening.

- Pouting does you no good.
- Yes it does; it makes me look cute and pathetic.

- Let there be light.
- And they saw that it was, well, acceptable.
- And they saw that it was bothering Perri, but, oh, well.

Skippy's Evil Twin. --...Skippy.

The Masai tribesmen have a lot of fun making up stories to tell the white guys who come around asking questions.

Welcome to the B-plot, Sydney Bloom.

Welcome to the game, Sydney Bloom. You have mail.

Welcome to the game, Samantha Bloom. You have mail. Boom.

- If for some weird reason you feel like watching this Conan series....
- What?
- Don't.

- I'd write that down, but the quote list is over there.
- h. We're reaching the laziness portion of the weekend.

You could scoot stuff off Betsy and sit on her, but I don't think she'd be happy about it.

- Where' the quote list?
- It ran away.

It happened because Tara and Jessica are in the same space and create words.

I was just sitting here, thinking, "Maureen's life is just so boring without potato famines."?

I'm sure your cooties are fine and honorable ones.

- Here, have trash.
- Ah, I now see your true motivation for allowing me cookie.

- Welcome to Flexible Ethics 101.
- It's not the ethics I'm worried about; it's getting caught.

It was many bad things all together in a giant bad-thing pie.

- Do you know anything about Danny Kaye?
- Yes.
- What's this?
- Scary?

. . .and then, we will drown Tara.

- Why did she tape this?
- Maybe Jessica Steen is in it.
- Hey, look -- guest starring Jessica Steen! Good call!

How many fuckin' copies of the Due South pilot are there?

- Cake-y cake-y yummy yummy!
- No, cake-y cake-y done-y done-y.

- NASCAR racing! Do you think Tara taped this on purpose?
- Well, if Jessica Steen is in it. . .

Okay, Dr. Quinn. It says "Mike and Sully". That's like saying, "Oh, look! It's the X-Files episode with Mulder and Scully in it!"

- I'm gonna assume Up in Arms is a movie.
- Or it could have Jessica Steen in it.
- Nope, Danny Kaye.
- Jessica Steen could be a baby in it!

- There's Muppet slash all over the place.
- It's not slash if they're already gay.
- Okay, all the Muppets are straight. I'm sorry.
- Okay, Muppets don't have sex.
- they must, since there's more Muppets. . .

- You people suck.
- No, we win!
- You can do both. You can suck and win.

I feel like I'm in a French farce -- I keep changing bedrooms!

I need a cake minion.

It's a top-the-sadist kind of thing.

Ow my knees, ow my legs, ow I'm old.

- And you know, I really didn't want to watch "Two".
- *I* didn't watch that!

Tara, you know when we hated you the most. . .

You were a neophyte; now you're scary.

- Why did you do that?
- So that you're away from the lamp.
- But I'm having an intimate affair with my lamp.
- That's *my* lamp.
- I'm having an intimate affair with your lamp. I'm cheating on my lamp with your lamp.

- Eject buttons on overalls would be scary.
- What, in case of emergency you go shooting out of your pants?

She didn't deserve to be turned into a mineral for being stupid.

- Why do we still have the obligatory Christopher Reeve standing ovation?
- It's just Hollywood going, 'Oh, we're so glad it's not us, clap, clap."
- Nah, it's the realization that no matter how many times you have your face pulled back, you could still fall off a horse.

- My goal is to get laid again before I'm thirty.
- So you have wo years.
- Yeah, but first I have to go where there are *men*. Big step.
- There are men in fandom; they're just geeks.
- Smart women and geeky guys. Fandom attracts smart women and geeky guys. Didja ever wonder why that is? Hi, I'm Andy Rooney, and stupid thoughts come out of my head!
- Don't dance with sharp objects.
- Ed Grimley Fiction!
- Pulp Grimley!
- I'll have to get medieval on your ass, I must say.
- We just had eight cross-overs in a minute. That has to be a record.

X-Flies, X-Flies, Pringles, Pringles.

Okay, she'd be 30, Jewish, and a carpenter. How does this story end?

- Since when is Bob a practicing Jew?
- And when he gets really good at it. . .
- He'll be a professional Jew!
- I'll never be more than an amateur.
- Is there much money in professional Judaism?
- Sure! Ask Disney!

- What's with the stupid questions? This is supposed to be the genius edition!
- Genus. GENUS.

Pink! Pink!!

- Who did Paris kidnap, starting the Trojan War?
- B'Lanna! The Klingon who launched a thousand ships.

- There's nothing worse than looking at fanfic you wrote four years ago and saying, "I know I wrote more of this. . ."
- Oh, I don't know. Civil war.
- Prove it.

It's that new show, "Those Dang Pagans".

- Amy, Amy -- how did you miss that?
- I was busy thinking about Buddy Ebsen! I like him!
- I don't want to go there.
- I like the idea of writing that down.

He was the giggle-thing that ate frogs.

- I'm just writing stories in my head.
- I'm not that coherent.
- I didn't mean that they had actual English words attached or anything.

I kept waiting for my brain to explode and waiting and waiting and then right at the end, BAM!

- I'm surrounded by too much pleasure.
- That's not in my vocabulary.

You killed my songvid! BASTARD!

- That kid has a waffle over his head.
- No, it's a halo.
- No, it's a waffle.

- Ooooh, I'll harm you.
- You'll hurt yourself.
- Ooooh, I'll harm me.

- The Muppets have left the building.
- They were never in the building. They were outside picketing.

- Our lives are good.
- Our lives are *loud*.
- Our lives are loud and full of quotes.

Bobby is great. All the Bobbys are great. ALL the Bobbys are GREAT!

I wanted to ask Amy something about Greek. I wanted to ask Amy something about Greek. "Land of sheep, land of goats" wasn't it.

I'm the Second Coming, you missed it, buy my book.