THE LOOP QUOTES, PAGE II


Plastic is Kosher. Go fig.

- I'm so fat.
- I'm fat too.
- Euhh.
- Euhh.
- Let's eat pie.
- Yeah!

There are plenty of matches, just start setting things on fire.

He's defying gravity -- and getting sucked off.

- This hurts my hand.
- Maybe you're a dominant right-handed nosehunter.

- Do you really think he's dead?
- Who, Bozo?
- No, -- what? Bozo's dead?

- I love this show! Gawddaym!
- It turned you country!

- What I liked about Hitler. . .Hitler? Wow. Not Hitler. I didn't like anything about Hitler. Mulder. What I liked about Mulder. . .
- Wait! Wait! Wait! Pen! Pen!

- Don't beat the 'manda.
- Beat the 'manda!

You're having a fanfic-shmousie moment.

- Light!
- Camera!
- Shit.
- We need the light back on so I can write that down.

(sound of car hitting concrete barrier) Okay, we're parked.

Skirt down, breasts up.

Todd! Show James your um. . .thingy!

Bloopers are bloopers. People saying "Oh, fuck" is funny regardless.

- What Scandanavian country are you in if you are in Hell?
- DING!
- Time's up.

Amy, we love you dearly, but not on the board.

I thought he was cremated on purpose after he died by choice.

Life in Afghanistan is real fun. "I'm going to the store. I might be back."

- Something like, "Send a part of you. . ."
- That's more like blood donation.
- Or the Mafia.
- When you care enough to send a horse's head.

These are the people who see Mary, Mother of God in a muffin.

- Who were the star-crossed lovers from dueling families in Verona?
- Could that be Romeo and Juliet?
- Two Gentlemen of Verona!
- Thank you, Miss Slash-head.

- I'm turning into a pile of jelly.
- He does not 'spuh' so much as 'gloop'.

It's all Tara's fault. Say it together now: It's All Tara's Fault.

She was turned sideways; I did not get her ass.

Nazis are enough without the cross-dressing.

- We're all large vegetables.
- Can I be an eggplant?
- You can be an eggplant if you like.

Canon? We don't need no steeeeeeenking canon!

- But he was so cute during Remington Steele.
- (Jessica makes unintelligible noises)
- Jessica barks like a seal!

First down; don't spike the cookie.

Have you been to my website? Stupid-pictures-of-me dot com.

Babies bounce if you drop them.

- Paul, look at me. You're a Jew.
- You're exempt in many ways.

We dress for women, we wear certain types of bras for men.

I'm never going to look at breasts the same way again.

Open casket, insert foot.

- Ben's a little brighter than Michael.
- Not hard.
- I've got oatmeal brighter than Michael.

The problem with Voyager vids is that they're nebulous. And there's no coffee in that nebulous.

Italians and Jews. Short, dark people who talk with their hands and eat all the time.

- We saw a movie, then Denis Leary, then a movie.
- Actually, it was Denis Leary, movie, Denis Leary, movie.
- We're out of Denis Leary, so we can't see another movie.
- We could see a Denis Leary movie!

"This is Blake! You can't catch me, nanny nanny boo boo! And while we're at it, let me send you this internet forward about how to be an Evil Overlord!"

- You're pointing at her.
- I'm petting her remotely.

Chris Farley and missing road signs--that's today's news.

I don't watch nearly enough TV to fit in with everybody here.

- Oooh.
- Aaaah.
- Where are the fireworks?

I won't wanna damage people. I just want to throw things at their heads.

I decided that unless you like moldy bread we don't have what you want for breakfast.

- Oh, but all Bond films are like this.
- They have camels.

- Can I borrow you?
- All the way in there?
- Cuz I'm naked.

- Never a dull moment in this place.
- Hardly a quoteless moment, either.

- I'll come with you because I'm desperate for food.
- And Tara's probably still walking around naked.

Tree!

I am NatPack once removed.

He doesn't moon his crew members, that's why.

I love the frogs. Spuh spuh spuh spuh!

I have to admit, I'm kind of excited: Chris Farley's dead.

We have food and we have spuh.

I need a scarf to wrap around my pointy head.

Let's just do the Death Jewel.

Weaponry!

I may end up taking your idea and shoving it down my cleavage.

Here! Let me show how organized I am! Foom!

Okay, this was post-thingie Scully.

- Todd, can you show James your...
- Thingie.

- Bite me, Paul.
- Oooh.
- That wasn't an invitation; that was an expression of disgust.

Obviously he's a Time Lord who's stuck on Earth and working for the British Secret Service.

This is my teenage wet dream.

If you touch her hair, I will kill you.

I say, 'hubba hubba'.

- Congratulations. You made the quote list within 5 seconds.
- You didn't even get in the *door* before making the quote list.

Oh, I feel so...exposed.

This is the only one where I don't have to shave portions of my anatomy.

I'm gonna put the quote list down. Nobody say anything funny till I pick the quote list up again.

- I'm gonna have to unbutton my pants.
- You just like whacking me.

I need to adjust myself. Hold on.

Do you remember the flashlight kneeling thingie?

I feel like a pygmy.

- Pull down the dress, pull up the boobs.
- NatPack breast quote. Cool!

It's Dances With Postage.

It was either the flashlight here or someone kneeling in front of me by the elevator.

She died early so she didn't have to change clothes a lot.

There was a butt?

If it's going to be representative of your butt, you want it to look good.

Guys from the Infiniti commercial bad.

- It could probably fit down there, but it just wouldn't stay.
- Better yours than mine.
- Oh, I'm twitching again.

I'm a ruin of a man...molested...mugged...

He has an iron in his katana space.

This looks like some sort of streetwalker/goth convention.

I'm not afraid of a purse.

When I take it off, I take it all off.

Oh, you have the entire cast of B-5 across your boobs and it looks great!

- Did they think they were being funny?
- Yes.
- Mundane humor, ar ar.

Clash, clash, disembowel.

- Hi!
- Uh.
- What time did you get in?
- Uh.
- Would that be uh o'clock or uh thirty?

I've been out-Darcyed.

If I was Tara, I'd have a website for every single thing that happens! No, that's not fair. Tara only has a website for every *other* thing that happens.

Ah ha! I win! Tara 1, juice 0!

This is cow-tipping, Immortal-style.

Babylon 5 is a magical mystery tour through Joe Strazynski's ego.

The prince of Denmark is bi-polar! Run! Flee!

Talking bears scream sorcery. Most people run from sorcery. Most people run from bears, too.

They've dragged this out so long, at this point I'd be soo happy they kissed that I'd come right there!

Undead and blue-balled.

Hand caressing naked chest, in bed - sex. At least as I remember it.

She felt the need to do the "fuck" dance. Don't fall down. Tina was abducted by gravity.

- If Amy can eat it, it's crap and I don't want it.
- And I say to thee again: fuck you.

There is no NatPack Katie. Katie does not bounce, even if you drop her.

- Don't you want to plan your own funeral and stuff? I want to choose what music is played. . .
- We will now pause for a touching rendition of "Kyle's Mom is a Bitch."
- In D Minor!

They'll pass it; they'll have shiny shit.

Dead listmembers don't post.

Double-Oh-Seven-Of-Nine.

Oh, I looked at the cat food cans and I thought they were mandarin oranges, and for a moment I was happy.

She's the ubergoy.

All Mary Sues are Elizabeth Taylor.

If you accept that it's self-parody and ignore the cute butt. . .

- He speaks softly. There must be a big stick somewhere.
- I don't want to know about his big stick.

That's a large salami loaf.

I'm so glad you're not a werewolf, honey. I think that would startle me.

If I were a secret agent, I would wear pants.

- You're a jack-booted thug!
- Am I? Cool!

How could she spell it wrong if she was...not a lesbian, that's not it...

I don't know, officer! I was just cleaning my head and it went off! I don't know how I got these credit cards.

- Frugal Pagan!
- How many rich Pagans do we know?

It's Pagan aerosol!

- Yay! We haven't closed the circle! Take your shoes and coat off!
- Get your butt in here!

- Tara always has the wiggly candle.
- That's why Tara's calling water.

Do not make a St. Bridget Swastika.

- He skipped anger and went straight to denial.
- Then he went to over-acting, which was in place of bargaining.
- That was bargaining with the Emmy committee.

I love when the Vulcans get gooby.

Peter David McCallum Keith Rennie Harlin Ellison Wonderland -- of La Mancha!

You need a lot of grammar to counteract all that happiness.

Some people don't have wit. That doesn't mean they're bad people; they're just boring.

Tara's walking out of frame.

Zed's dead, Fred.

- Nazis should not wear short pants.
- He's a postal Nazi.

It's not psycho-lesbians for nuclear power.

I suppose human cloning would be considered dubbing people.

Skippy Stubing? I'd go insane.

Here are some photos. Match the crotch to the episode.

Ask Amy if she knows how to say "Captain of the Postal Nazis" in German.

You know reality didn't exist in the sixties.

Talk to the Reich. 'Cause the Wermacht ain't listening.

- Aren't you stunned?
- Amazing.
- Kevin Spacey plays the "g".

Locked in the bathroom with the evil Drano! Do not open the Drano under any circumstances! Contact with Drano causes instant death! Do not taunt the Drano!

- What's under Sunnydale?
- A Crate and Barrel.

We are slowly introducing Steven to The Fannish Way.

Because I'm insane and slightly caffeinated.

The puppy is snack food. Do *not* get attached to the puppy.

She's a psychic potato who needs lip-balm.

Oh! See? I need antlers.

- Uh! Uh! COMPUTER!!!
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The Bed-Desk! When you're too depressed to get out of bed, but still want to read that X-Files fanfic!

And you're wallowing in bad fic on top of this? Fine, make your own hell.

There's that old woman who always plays the old woman.

It's Pose-For-A-Photo Skippy!

- I have twenty boxes of Girl Scout Cookies. in the freezer. So far, I've had four.
- Boxes, or cookies?

Oral sex from a trumpet player -- you're seeing the face of God.

You always know when Amanda's amused. You could be in Guam and know when Amanda's amused.

Great Balls of Grammar!

It's the Oompa-Loompas, and they're on acid.

You could bounce quarters off of this guy's ass.

The Jack Lord Memorial Vid -- My Hair Will Go On.

Oh, leave her alone -- she's famous.

- For a minute there, I thought, "This would really suck."
- It would END LIFE.
- That's exactly what I mean!

Fantasy Island was darker than Love Boat. I can't believe I just said that.

Anyone who would say "You rock my world" during sex deserves my unending scorn.

- He's discovered the ancient matte painting of the Mayans!
- This is where the Mayans used to film.
- Did aliens build ancient studios? Next on Unsolved Mysteries.

Well, bad shit is going down on A&E. Bad shit with wigs.

Well, werent they less suspicious in the '60's? Because, you know, now, if two guys or two girls were travelling together and sharing a room, we'd say, "They're gay. They're gay." but in the '60's, if that happened, they'd say, "They're thrifty. They're thrifty."

- I have got to do something with my life.
- You could raise the dead.
- Actually, I think our current system of the dead staying dead is a good one.

You know why I keep eating eggs? Because I want a soda.

They said it's amber, but it's really just a hunk of tree sap.

Personally, I think Napoleon is a bottom, but nobody asks me.

The alphabet is downsizing -- what, we're going down to 24 now?

Paycheck equals cable.

The Lord I choose not to believe in is *definitely* gender-neutral.

- That's all SCA is: "Let's dress up!"
- And hit each other with rattan sticks.
- If we're *male*, hit each other with rattan sticks; if we're *female*, sing in harmony.

- Coq au vin! Coq au vin! I'm cuckoo for coq au vin!
- Spuh! I'm writing that down.

"Amy, would you please take your laptop, close it, and beat me?"

"Old enough to be an older brother if he was gay and slept with your father."

"Crossess bleed. Pentacles don't. There's a reason for that."

"I guess that's why gazelles never wear out their shoes."

Yeah, come on, Harry. Show her how it is *her* way, which means you get laid, then show her how it is *your* way, which means you get laid.

You look like a two-year-old. You look like a tiny little kid walking around in a pornographic t-shirt with a pencil in her head.

So, you can't go to the country of the deaf, so you come here.

That's why Katie never takes an opportunity to get home -- she's running from creditors! It's a whole ship full of people running from school loans!

So now I've graduated to status of woobie -- what the fuck?

I'm used to the taste of aspartame. Some small part of my soul is dead because of this.

Everyone looks good in a cassock except that stupid aged bastard of a priest at my high school.

- I think we should buy the "naughty" fortune cookies.
- What - did they already add "in bed"?

- Idiots Who Fall On Knives 4!
- Dropping Plugged-In Appliances Into the Tub 50!
- Let's Just Shoot Your Mom 12!

- Nothing's worse than an abortive laugh.
- Civil War!
- Bubonic Plague!
- Blood Pudding!

Well, that was just a big frustration festival.

And you know she's warm and caring how? 'Cause she combs her hair with a fork. Another valuable lesson from Disney.

- He's stoo tupid to live.
- Stu Tupid? Ladies and gentlemen, Stu Tupid!

Bits. There's gonna be nothing but bits. No kibbles at all.

I don't care who he's sleeping with. Really. Maybe. Eew.

Ancient Italian? Isn't that . . . Latin?

You'd better press "play" to relieve your suffering.

They're going to go somewhere and bad things will happen and they will become men.

I *shall* be there for the movie. I am going to be so there that you'll practically see two of me!

There has to be a word for that; this is the English Language.

The git is turning behind me! GIT!

- I'm going to college with someone almost as twisted as you!
- Why, did he have a childhood too?

- How did they get out of the Antarctic?
- Tardis.
- Blue Ford Tardis.

I'm your fault too -- just in a different ay.

- So, it's either the Jews or Tara who is to blame for everything.
- I thought it as *my* fault!

Oh, his mouth was two stories high.

- The night we show "The Five Daughters Affair".
- 'Cause, if you look really close, there are a few plotholes.

- Well, it's like fandom --
- It *is* fandom.

Ah, the headlock of love.

If anybody doesn't need a Volvo, it's an Immortal.

Wow, it was so cancelled. . .

Well, the next episode should be the next episode, so this should be the next episode.

Ooh! New hottie! Angel who!

He's a big, burly guy. It would be like making out with a piece of furniture.

We will eat your cherries and then we'll eat other cherries -- and I did *not* go there! (quoted under protest)

- You can't read this yet, but I wanted to taunt you by showing you the cover.
- Ooooh! Consider me taunted!

And which endless Highlander vid is this?

- Kenny the Oracle.
- Kenny is the name of your fridge?
- No, but *now* it is.

The best way to do it is to keep walking until you run into the toilet.

- He's operating under the "vampires can't come in unless you invite them" theory.
- Yeah, and we know the mob always goes to vampires for their hits.

Forgive me Father, for I am a plot contrivance.

- The Loccoco-Mobile!
- I'm cuckoo for the Loccoco-Mobile!
- Damn, you said it before I could!

We are the Borg -- and boy, we're funny!

- Oh! So, Vinnie does swallow! Now we know!
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
- It had to be said.
- No, it didn't!
- Yes, it did. But you could have waited until I left the room.

- No, officer, we don't have gas cans in our trunk.
- But we do have a Gatling Gun. Bye!

Extra-special Viking blowjob - right here.

See the killers frolic!

- Viking Blowjob Night Here? No, *right* here.
- It's not a sign outside a bar.
- Sure -- Viking Blowjob Night -- Ladies Free!!

Old MacDonald had a con, E-I-E-I-O.

- I don't know how chicken and orgy interact.
- Finger lickin' good!

- Lights out.
- Can someone who isn't making Perri moan. . .
- Oh, write that down!
- Lights on!
- Am I getting a tip?
- Buy International Steel at 23 1/3.

- How can someone so ugly be so attractive?
- It just proves we're not shallow.
- I like that!
- It's not the body I want; it's him. The body that goes with it is inconsequential, as long as it functions.
- Write that down!
- My hand hurts! NO JOKES!

I'm ugly, I'm ugly, please rain, please rain -- not very exciting.

X-Philes for Jesus? That's like Skeet Shooting for Orphans.

- Are you fucking up my ass?
- No, I'm chopping onions.

- Wagner just took opera so many steps ahead that it feels like there's some guy missing in there.
- His name is Earl. He's from Malaysia.

I would have shot her through the head with my bare hands, and that would have been ugly.

He's not even a philistine, he's a philistein!

I have *all* the phallic symbols, thank you.

So, Pochahontas should go to jail.

I just hate Chekhov - go to fucking Moscow and shut the hell up.

- Having a cold mother makes you gay.
- It's a known fact.
- Or autistic.
- That's right!
- Having an autistic mother makes you gay?

And by the way, Stryken is a faggot.

Obviously, every woman has a certain amount of ova and a certain amout of silliness.

- So, that's how it happened -- spiders were artists and flies were critics?
- Eat your critics!
- Cannibalism is the best revenge.

That man has cheekbones that would power New York City.

- I'll keep making you laugh and you'll lose your voice even worse. That's my only threat; I'm so pitiful.
- I'll make up my on sign language and curse you.

To let go and try to identify with Ally McBeal just sounds like a big pain-fest to me.

The Loop's House of Improv!

Heisenberg may have slept here, but we couldn't open the door to make sure.

Twister in the dark -- how 14.

- Have you ever gone frame-by-frame?
- No.
- What happens if you go frame-by-frame?
- It goes really slowly.

The Book of Revelations Chess Set -- you better win!

- Aphrodite wasn't a Valley girl, I'm pretty sure.
- It was just a different valley.

- Ph.D., ladies and gentlemen, Ph.D.!
- I can't figure out how to put this pie-shaped thing into this pie!

We gotta fuckin' win. . . we gotta fuckin' win!

They won with "Buns of Steel"?

That is one happy burrito.

Aren't we the queens of fucking sarcasm!

No, oh, no, don't drink that! Oh, it's HBO; he's going to drink it.

Ah, right, you have the remote, which means we're going to watch animals die, and then you'll be sad and you'll ask me why you do this to yourself and I DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER!

I figure I must have had a GREAT sex life in my past life, because I have like NO sexual karma points left over.

The good thing about feral snails is that you can usually outrun them.

- Moo!
- That's a pig.
- Pigs can moo!
- Yes, but they pronounce it "oink".

Guns don't kill people, the rearrangement of molecules kills people.

A reason to live is somewhat different than a reason not to be killed.

I need to hear that, it makes me feel better -- tell me again why he's more fucked up than me.

There are people who can argue, you see, and that's the problem.

They looked at me, they said I was a cracker, and they gave me white bread, 'cause those fuckin' Jews hate everybody who isn't Jewish.

I want you to know, I may need Prozac by the time you're done with this
vid. . .

Okay, this is good, except for that whole thermonuclear device thing.

It is *so* Willow/Giles! Lick, lick, lick, lick.

Game called on account of history.

This day dragged like RuPaul!

She marches to the beat of a different plumber.

- That's why Kirk had to sleep around; he wasn't getting any at home. . .
- It's the Bill Clinton complaint!
- Hillary's a Vulcan?

I think pantsing has been around since the dawn of pants.

- I've converted millions to Buffy! Well, four. But that's a lot!
- You've spread the word!
- Just like Christianity.
- Only better written.
- *And* with fewer continuity flaws.

If a tree falls in the forest, and it isn't touching you, does it bug you?

Between this and the X-Files, Christ, there are a lot of Canadians in the Federal Government.

- If I don't find out what happened to Vince, they're gonna find me homeless on the streets of Chicago, having psychic episodes!
- Toronto!

If Frank was psychic, why didn't he stop Vinnie from doing dumb shit?

- The Rappin' Jews.
- Oy to your mother.

- Ally McBeal parties.
- What do they do - sit around and starve?

- We went back in time. What are you doing for the holidays?
- Screw you guys -- goin' to the 1800s.

And another posthumous victory for Socrates! GOOOOOAAAAL!

- If we could shift our reality over a bit, they'd be there.
- Yes, and they have really cool sex lives that I'm very interested in.

- We should all be Shakers.
- But we can't, becaue they don't believe in sex, so that's why they don't exist.
- We're not having sex. . .
- Yes, but we believe in it.
- I'd clap my hands for sex.

- You use condoms for oral sex? Wouldn't that be icky?
- Flavored condoms -- hello?
- That's what they're for?
- What did you think -- aromatherapy or something?

- We have an odd relationship with squash --
- Who are you talking to?

The Bible is the world's first fanfic. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John -- four different takes on the same episode.

- I have the James Joyce cookbook --
- Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.

You are going to become a Borg, so, work on your people skills.

All I want is a rune of my own.

- Giles loves Buffy! Giles loves Buffy! Joanie love Chachi!
- Everybody loves Raymond.

You know, they film here. We should stalk them.

I'm tired of being me; I wanna be someone else for a while -- and while I'm being someone else, I'd like perky breasts.

- I just have to remember not to order Indian food from a Vietnamese restaurant.
- Can I just say, very quietly, duh?

How's your spleen?

- He's trouble.
- Only if you have a moral center.
- I have a gooshy, creme-filled center, myself.

I have a problem -- called "bread".

Sir Perflous: the Knight You Don't Need

Join the tribe! I proselytize through baking products.

- Pagan Utopia!
- A commune!
- A utopian commune!
- A utopian commune that works!
- With lots of fandom!
- I'd settle for new episodes.

A mighty fortress is our dick-impervious person.

You are *so* fired by the faeries.

- Let's all get together and *not* take stuff!
- We do that all the time. We're so holy.

The cheese castle from Mars is using its mind control on your mother.

You just talked about language -- odds are I have something to say.

Always the groupie, never the group.

- I have to clean my bathroom and it sucks!
- I already started on mine.
- I'm thinking of nailing mine shut.

- Tara's room is a portal to elsewhere.
- Tara's room is a portal to Elsinore?

- But they're going there with Joyce and Giles, and I don't *want* them to go there with Joyce and Giles!
- Okay, but they're not having sex, they're just doing drugs.
- I'm good with that. That's okay.

- Hmmm. Let's have circle.
- Who's calling electricity?

If I could take off my face and pour beer through my eye, yeah, I'd do that.

- Where do we get these conversations?
- We haven't paid our conversation bills.

What have I seen John Glover in? Besides everything.

See, they're both good craftsmen, but I'd rather hang out with Lemmon than with Hopkins. I mean, I'd storm the Bastille for Lemmon.

- They're bowling upstairs.
- I'm going upstairs!

- "You could talk about what it's like to be deaf and blind."
- Well, it's dark and quiet.

Actually, blowing is much easier and safer than eating -- you *so* may not go there -- you cannot go there.

You know, this would be a deeply entertaining fannish moment -- if we were Russian.

- I wanna commit crimes with you guys!
- Yeah, you should drop your old syndicate; they're nowhere.

I would have changed it from "The Truth is Out There" to "Hey, Guys, It's Letterboxed!"

- Apparently being eaten leads to -
- Opthamology!

- I want a normal, fannish show.
- What, you mean bad?
- Yes!
- You have that -- it's Voyager!
- That's not doing it for me either.

- Faith can also be the belief that things are going to get worse.
- Sometimes I'm just chock-full of faith.

They faked the Disney nature shows? It's not a small world after all!

- Porn is easy: "Did anyone order a pizza?" "It's warm in here."
- That's really the '70s. You need more '90s.
- Okay, "Did anyone order an ISDN line?" "It's warm in here."

- Oy.
- That's a pirate word.
- No, it was Yiddish before it was pirate.
- There could be Jewish pirates.
- No. The Dread Pirate Lipshitz? No.

My oat bran has extra moral fiber.

- Jews in Space!
- That'd be Battlestar Galactica.

- You weren't here for assuming the spherical chicken, were you?
- I was *so* not here for assuming the spherical chicken!

- There were mice in my dorm, and they ate my brownies, and it pissed me off!
- Did they get high? Were they hash brownies?
- No, my mother didn't send me hash brownies.

Okay, so who else hasn't been Mulder?

- Emergency backup Hannukah.
- Generator-powered Hannukah.
- Not like that old, kerosene-powered Hannukah that we used to have.
- That's the whole miracle!

- You can't slash Riker. He's just not slashable. He's Teflon.
- Guys slide right off him.

- I don't want to know about your pizza fetish.
- *I* don't want to know about my pizza fetish.

- We have a lot of Nazi quotes.
- Well, Nazis are a great source of humor.

Don't snarf the inhalant.

We've been visited by the bra fairy!

You're mental and you're cruel -- that's mental cruelty.

- This must be my salad, 'cause it's cold.
- You just threw it at the furniture.
- It's a tossed salad!

- Putting on concealer is gussied up for me.
- Anything involving makeup probably has a wedding at the end of it.

Give me an entendre -- and *double* it!

- We're preaching to each other's choir.
- They're very small choirs.
- La!
- La!

- Sweet Potato squid?
- That's good eatin'.

- Since when does sound travel faster than light?
- It's dubbed out of its original Japanese.

- And who do we cut to? Tom Hanks almost crying.
- Because Tom Hanks emotes for us all.

- Well, if you want to eat it with the skin *on*, like an idiot. . .
- That's where all the vitamins are!
- Don't care! Nasty, nasty vitamins!

Thank you for the immensely entertaining and *completely* unsatisfying day.

- Hockey is the only true sport.
- Spoken like a woman with a slight Canadian accent.

- No, no -- the Arrogant Worms! The Arrogant Worms are coming to Grayslake!
- Beware!
- NO!
- Oh, the *Arrogant* Worms.
- What did you think I said?
- The *Aryan* Worms.

Evil men sit in leather chairs.

I think that space is marked "assassins park here."

- It's like Germany versus Spain.
- Germany would *so* win!

- He tried to turn it into a decent movie.
- That's much harder than turning into a lizard.

- I see Mulder and Scully as very slashy.
- Because of all the insurmountable obstacles between them?
- Because she's a *man*, baby!

Your Holiness? Your Holiness? Please don't make me get out the nightstick.

Oh, oh, oh! I just remembered my offensive jokes!

My body hates me. Traitor. I'd take it out and have it shot, but I don't know where I'd live then.

- Crab Gagoom?
- Gagoom? That sounds like a Marvel Comics monster. "Gagoom! The Thing That Walks Like a Man!"

- Fish balls? Fried fish balls?
- They're castrati fish.
- They're swimming snorthward from Castrato.
- Snorthward?
- Hey, you can make up words; so can I.
- I only want well-hung seafood.

- I'm going to have fried rice of some ilk.
- Ilk fried rice?

- You had your first hormonal experience with a Furby?
- One-on-one. First one-on-one.

- Nothing spilled!
- I must have been possessed by someone else.

- You don't always do well on purpose; you can succeed by accident.
- Sure. Look at Jon Bon Jovi.

Make sure your input is set to auxiliary. Make sure your audio is set to normal. Make sure you have a soda.

The Mountie of Speed and Time! Backwards!

- You know, that's who Methos looks like. Danny Kaye.
- Sort of!
- Except not Jewish.
- Not Jewish.
- And more masculine than Danny Kaye.
- He's the non-Jew, non-gay Danny Kaye.
- Also, he's not dead.
- But he is gay!
- Really? Excellent!

Laura's soap opera is just starting off. The first six episodes have been pretty good. I'm taping it.

- Tactile Gentile!
- Projectile Gentile!
- Ping!

- Tara is eating your ice cream!
- I'm only eating some of your ice cream!
- I have ice cream?

- I'm communist!
- You are so not communist.
- Share!

- A long-distance, no-sex relationship.
- I'm having one of those.
- He's not undead.
- He's Roman Catholic, though.

- I have no pockets!
- It's tough being funky.

- Socks don't have a circulatory system.
- Jody says neither do I.

- I got wooden fish.
- 'Cause you know, everyone needs wooden fish.
- I don't. Just for the record.

Who was he the last time I thought he was Skip and he also wasn't?

- It must be tricky when you're borders shift.
- It's like time zones, only with guns.

Auschwitz, Auschwitz, Auschwitz, Toronto!

- Undead Peeps?
- That's what happens when they become stale, right?

Bunny Bongs! Bunny Bongs!

- He's not so much Loveless as. . .
- Legless!

Waiter, there's politics in my slash!

You know it's sci-fi when someone has Big Android Issues.

- Fuck! Fuck! Fucky fuck fuck fuck FUCK!
- Problems?

Wakko: All the Beatles rolled up into one.

That's a sentence I never thought I'd hear: "Speaking of Amityville. . ."

Ever had the 'tears in your ears' phenomenon? I hate that! If you cry on your back - "Fuck! Now I'm uncomfortable *and* sad!"

Is it high-school football? No, it's the Bears!

La la can't kill me la la.

- Are those potatoes?
- Do you want some?
- No, it's just cute!

I've never seen filler death scenes.

- This is no social crisis, this is you having fun!
- I got a social reference! I'm a goddess!

Show, don't tell, shithead.

Epithets *suck my dick*.

And now, the quote book takes a massive tumor break.

- Soft-cell lymphoma?
- Large cell lymphoma.
- Saga-cell lymphoma: that's when you get all the information right at the beginning!
- Intel lymphoma! Intel Inside!
- Get it out!

Chemo-Con '99, and when it's gone, it's gone -- 'cause we're NOT doing it again!

Krispy Kreme: the official food of Chemo-Con '99!

Do you know what? My friends don't care if I was mean to you.

- Would you like a purple goiter?
- Oddly enough, no.

- You're not that guy.
- I'm not that guy.
- You're not that guy; you're you!
- I'm not other people!
- I *am* other people.
- I'm every woman.

That is *so* Chewbacca on Green Acres.

Okay, so it's an endless Highlander vid by Kafka? That's bad.

- What's today? Thursday?
- Thursday. And, as you know, Thursday is Food Day. The day we like to eat.

- This is me going for my *second* grilled cheese sandwich.
- Always there are two. But did you eat the master or the apprentice?

McCloud's McCloud; MacLeod's MacLeod. McCloud, MacLeod. Okay?

Don't make Cancer-Girl snarf!

- We said something funny in the car. . .dammit! What was it?
- I don't know -- all I remember is yelling "write that down!"

This is like Ulysses, only bad, and not like Ulysses.

When you *are* the cat, it's not a good thing.

The problem with going to Ikea is that eventually you realize that you're going to have to go back to Ikea.

Oh no, it's the Kosher side of the Force!

There are so many beautiful things in the world, and Liam Neeson is one of them. He's almost two of them!

Oh, it's faux! It's faux bois. Wow. They did a really good job with the faux -- it looks like bois.

- I think Gore Vidal died.
- Gore died? Oh, no! I heard that Mario Puzo died, but not Gore Vidal.
- Oh, maybe it was Puzo.
- How do you get from Mario Puzo to Gore Vidal?
- On a shuttlebus.

- You are a weird human.
- Yes, thank you for noticing. And if we stand around long enough, I'll show you my back.

I will call them. . . Mini-Wheats.

- Did they *really* contract Canada over there?
- I contracted Canada once, but a little antibiotic - cleared right up, except for a slight speech impediment, eh?

- The Stetson of Free Car Upgrades!

- They're considering a bill to allow deer hunting with handguns.
- Oh, Jimmy Murtha is behind this.

- No, I have. . . what's that thing that everyone is afraid of getting in grade school?
- Cooties!
- No, scoliosis.

- OW!!
- Did you put your fingers in her face?
- Yes! I'm so sorry! I'm looking for donuts!
- They're not in my face.

- Last night there were skinheads on my lawn.
- Actually, last night there was a flaming sofa on my lawn.
- Yeah. Actually, there's a skinhead living in my house.
- Take me bowling!

John does Faire? Oh, wait, we know John *from* Faire.

- TELL ME YOU'RE FROM REZA'S.
- . . . yes. . .

How about Aguirre, Wrath of God? That'd be a good text for an opera. It's tragic. Of course, I don't know how they would get the fuckin' monkeys on stage.

You should apply for the "just for being you" government grant.

- It would be better with Miracle Whip.
- Or death.
- It wouldn't be better with death.
- How do you know? Have you ever had death with raisins?

Wow, he's really my type: attractive, talented, and dead.

Well, thank you, Pantene, for trying to empower me through my hair.

No man is an island - except for Dave!

- You wanna come over?
- Sure! Okay!
- Hey! Could you bring a cucumber?
- . . . what. . .for?

We should notice, and not take for granted, that OZ and food exist.

I don't like the way I look in new clothes. I don't like the way I look in *old* clothes, but I have to wear them because I can't go out naked.

"We must crush the Rebellion! And then there's Maude!"

- Can I come over tomorrow and watch Oz and The Sopranos?
- No.
- Yaaay! I don't even listen to you anymore!

And introducing Mike Boom as the boom mike!

- I can't believe "floof" is a verb among my people.
- You have people?
- Have your people call my people.
- Have your people *floof* my people.

How is it that I am constantly surrounded by people who are smarter than me, and yet everyone is an *idiot*?? How is this possible?

Oh, the pain of being born with a brain.

- You'd look good with short hair.
- Sort of like Zelda Fitzgerald.
- Wow, I feel like going out and spending money and drinking all night.

- 'Cause you know, standing around in mud, listening to rock music, that's like being back in the Garden.
- They had rock music in the Garden! You know, rocks.
- That's percussion.
- Percussion in music!
- I don't like drum solos.

- You have a head!
- It's one of my distinguishing features. "I've lost my friend!" "What does she look like?" "She has a head!"

So, he hypnotized you, but instead of having his way with you, he convinced you to like tuna in your mac and cheese? You must have been in the control group.

Did you know he's playing whatshername's love interest in that show?

- You have a gherkin.
- Not like well-endowed gherkins of yore.

- Wow, your room is *really* organized!
- I don't know what's wrong with me.

You could be a recessive mutant -- in a good way.

- Would you like to buy a baby?
- Not really, no.
- They're on sale!
- How much?
- Oh, there's some assembly required.

Maybe you should go to bed with a banana.

- You could bounce quarters off his ass.
- You could bounce *anvils* off his ass.

The OED is like word-porn.

- Don't snarf!
- Look at the color!
- You know, you only have eight minutes before your brain dies.

A crappy UNCLE vid! YAY!

Beaten over the head with a mixed club!

My favorite non-sequitur, until we get to the next one. . .

- There are certain things that are not sexy, no matter how well you do them.
- You can't pick your nose in an Antonio Banderas kind of way.

Fire futon torpedoes!

This is a point-what-point.

- Hi, I'm Jesus; I'll be your saviour this evening.
- What are the specials?
- Well, fish and bread, pretty much. Free refills on the wine, though!

- I mean, all this for a wiggle?
- You're probably not the first woman to say that.

I'm gonna hold my breath until my balls turn blue.

It takes cleverness to hide your talent in stupidity.

- Henry Jenkins wrote a Scrooge/Marley slash story?
- Yeah, pre-Christmas Carol.
- I should certainly hope so! Otherwise it's necrophilia and all that.
- Well, he shows up dragging that chain; he might as well put it to use.

- Jeremy, do men really do that?
- Uh, I don't know any men.

They're votive candles for power, energy, romance, and French Vanilla.

- Oh, I'm sorry - Burger King wasn't a very good idea.
- It's not your fault.
- Yes it is.
- Okay, but world hunger, however, is my fault.
- I think War and Devastation may be Jessica's.

I want to be a Messianic Jew so that my Sundays are free.

- Here's what we do: we give Texas back to Mexico - then George Bush Jr. wasn't born in this country and he can't be President.
- Doesn't Mexico have enough problems?
- Fuck Mexico! That's what were good at: fucking Mexico!

Mentos: der Frischmacher!

- The world is supposed to end on May 5th, 2000.
- Oh, shit, that's Derby Day!

- You're the next contestant on "Big Ol' Pot of Salmonella!"
- You know, I'd watch that show.

Give a hoot; bust a fascist.

Most things are wrong and bad, but this is bad and wrong.

- Oh, it's that time again, isn't it?
- What?
- There's an elf on the floor.
- Oh.

Brechtian stuff is no good if it isn't Brechtian.

- You're high. You are *so* high. You're higher than anything!
- I'm not nearly high enough.

I rescued a bat today! How's that for a non-sequitur?

- I'm going to turn off the light.
- Then I won't do any calligraphy.

- Where's the lamp? Oh, it's over there.
- Yes. I moved it. Soon I will shape *more* of the Loop to suit my purposes!

I'm having trouble loading my Pez!

- That's a wolf with an unpleasant skin condition.
- Yes. It's Eczema Wolf, M.D.

- She e-mailed me, actually.
- Oh? And how is the bitch ho?

Don't die! We've been over this, we've established this as a goal - don't die. There's a moritorium on death.

I heard tetanus was a *fine* Christmas present.

- I don't get the whole Pokemon thing.
- Do you know they teach classes for parents to explain it?
- It all makes me sick. I think it's revenge for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

- Velvet. It's the fashion of the season.
- Oh, it's the other white meat.

- See, if Y2K happens, then it's the Old Testatment God, but if it doesn't, then it's the New Testatment God.
- God underwent a radical personality change and became a forest ranger.
- Well, they do say that having a kid changes you...

- Are you addicted to sex?
- The fictional kind, yes ... oh, that doesn't sound good at all, does it?

- Tara, just ask yourself: what would Brian Boitano do?
- Brian Boitano would be in print by now.

- He's an elf.
- He's an elf with money - this we don't need.

She's so easy. We could put her down for the night with a few random flailings.

- You're not planning on taking up smoking again, are you?
- No.
- 'Cause, you know...
- It'll give you cancer.
- And we WOULDN'T WANT THAT, WOULD WE?!
- I hear you get a discount on repeat business.
- Free refills! Free refills on tumors!

- What breed of dog *is* Scooby Doo?
- Well, a genetically enhanced one, 'cause he can talk...

- Ah, the wives.
- Frank would have made a good Mormon.
- Do they have bisexual Mormons?
- Bisexual Mormon Jesuits on Parade!
- He'd have to do the parade all by himself.

Well, as long as it doesn't catch on fire *much*, it's okay.

- I wonder what they'll be saying about us in a hundred years' time.
- They'll still be trying to get streaming video to work.

- She has your manhood!
- She can keep it; I'm not driving that truck.

Jeremy and his Guide are like *this* - and mine is blabbing to the neighbors about what a loser I am.

- What do you do for a living, exactly?
- Uh, I just barely keep everything together. And they pay me.
- I think that a lot of us have that job, these days.

Yes! Anarchy rules! In a totally not-a-government way.

- Sometimes I think Carl feels like we've taken over the Duck.
- We *have* taken over the Duck.
- It was a bloodless coup....

The first time it burns down doesn't mean jack shit if it burns down again.

- They've got that stuff -- that chick-pea goo.
- Hummus?
- Yeah!

So I was performing and experiment -- I watched The Matrix and put Ewan McGregor in the role -- and he doesn't do a bad job!

- So, I think it's difficult to be an intelligent woman --
- 'cause women are dumb.

Our mothers must justify the choices they made when they were young. I think some of them have the feeling that they profoundly fucked up.

- Silence equals death.
- Cake equals cake.
- Cake is a tautology.
- If cake, then cake.

- Why do you have *two* Beanie Babies?
- Because I am filled with wrath.

The Iron Chef Movie: - Chow Yun Fat *is* Paul Prudhomme!

Don't say funny things away from the quote book.

God is telling you to take out the garbage? God is really micromanaging.

Okay, now we have a list of three things that should not be slashed: 1) Owls, 2) the Disciples, 3) Iron Chef.

I'm going to have visions of Spike and Vamp Willow ... I was going ot say "all day", but probably for the rest of my life.

My shopping experience story begins with a bomb threat....

- I'd like to cast my vote for him as the most likely bi-sexual Founding Father.
- Who, Franklin?
- Yep.
- Sure!
- And I've never cast *that* vote before.

- They flew in this Fresian house from Fresia, I guess. It was huge.
- Was it full of Fresians?

- You will give me a fry. You will give me a fry.
- Jessica, do you want a fry?
- Why yes! You read my mind.
- Such powerful telepathy -- I even heard it way over here!
- Yes - it's a wonderful means of communication - some people call it "talking".

The spouse has made it clear that he would be happy if there were no television in the house at all. This, of course, is insane.

I mean, loathsome people who despise other people for being even more loathsome.

Yes - for your birthday we got you a candied dick. Happy Birthday.

- I'm unemployed!
- Yes, you are.
- I'm unemployed!
- Kickass severance, though.
- Yes.
- I'm unemployed!
- I'm sensing a theme.

I've never blown anything up besides anything I was *told* to blow up.

Scroll Bastards!

- Tonight's theme ingredient: unconsecrated host wafers!
- It's the Body of Christ Battle on Iron Chef!

- Harry Potter and the Backache.
- Harry Potter and the Hernia.
- Harry Potter and the Book I Can't Read in the Tub.

- I will un-faggot you!
- No you won't - for I am indefaggotable!

Welcome to "Stump the 'manda"! A fairly simple game.

Confess! Confess, foul underwear!

I have been denied by poultry.

- You can't beat that with a stick!
- You could try... I beat Weavermania with a stick!
- We should put it on a tee-shirt!
- And no one would get it except us!

This isn't a story; it's just a bunch of words!!

It isn't a party until someone tries to have sex with the watermelon.

No really - this is fast growing from "that's a funny idea!" to "I will need the following supplies..."

It's the Alec Guinness Memorial Golfing Jedi.

These wings aren't suicide wings, they're more like cry-for-help wings.

It's really a problem when your vehicle starts mating with others.

Cooking with Spike! There's Spike with a knife and a hostage.

I'll make you a Jed/Leo clip tape - no politics, just the slash.

Did you see how you were sleeping? Probably not, 'cause you were sleeping.

Get the quote book - I'm funny today!

- We now have a Hello Kitty who works at McDonalds.
- Wow - she's from a poor neighborhood.
- She's Kitty-Chan from the projects!

- That was all Sorkin's idea.
- Can we bitch-slap him?
- I have to tell you - I've seen photos, and he could take you.
- We'll have to get a really big bitch.

- Next weekend is Memorial Day weekend.
- Labor Day weekend.
- Right.
- Memorial Day weekend we'd be in Lansing -- and older.

Who's got a monkey? I've got nine!
this space intentionally left blank
Monkey monkey monkey monkey MONNNNNN-KEY!

- Aliens in soap.
- Soap aliens!
- How they must wish you would wash, and set them free.

I got poked in the nose for telling the truth! Oh Christ, I know now how you felt on the cross!

Oh, oh, oh, it's pineapple! MMmmmMM!

First thing in Jessica's book of etiquette - change your pants if you shit yourself, you psycho.

- You know how they fuel those stealth bombers?
- Uh - Christian babies?
- Yeah, 'cause the Jews designed them!
- They're stealthy! Jews are stealthy!

- Hey - I've got lupus! I want a penthouse too!
- Well, first you have to sell out your country...
- and work for the CIA!
- No! First I get lupus and then I get the penthouse - I'm pretty sure that's how it works - I've been paying attention!

It's a chicken combo with white rice. Don't fuck with me.

Wait! Save the badness! I'm coming back!

- We have a room with a door. Would you like to go in the room with a door?
- ... YES!

That could be a New Yorker cartoon if the New Yorker read slash.

- I expect my friends to have a psychic ability to recognize evil.
- If evil can write well, I will publish it in my zine.

- Christ didn't have spoilers.
- Yes he did!
- Don't you hate those people who read Revelations first?

- Before the bigots and the racists called basketball a black man's game, they called it a Jewish man's game. Because you have to be sneaky and wily. And being short was good so you could sneak around.
- So if we could grow tall Jews, we'd have a great basketball game!
- I grew a bumper crop of Jews this year!
- And they're preservative-free.
- C'mon down to Mogen David Farms!
- They're irradiated!
- Oooh! Oooh! Holocaust joke! Point!
- And she loved it!
- Hey, if you can't laugh at the near-eradication of your people, what can you laugh at?

I'm so *over* videotape as a storage medium.

- It's a paean to slash.
- It's a paean in my *ass*.

He's a really good guy, once you get to fuck him.

- Icky girls!
- Well, vaginas interfere with that destiny thing.

What Would Jesus Slay?

When you get a philosophy degree, there's not much you can do but open a Bed and Answer.

Sadly, she's found something to live for.

- I don't want to slash anyone on this show, and in the absence of a viable couple, everybody works.
- Slash 'em all, let God sort 'em out.

- But it's a hotbed of liberalism!
- Well, I'm not *staying*...

- Got your nose!
- Got your soul!

- Is it hot in here?
- I didn't order a printing press.
- Bowm-chicka-bowm-bowm...

- You have a Happy Meal in your bag from *lunch*?
- I'm not too happy.

Every so often I think to myself, "Wouldn't it be nice to have super powers so I could go and kill people?"

Gore better win, because I can't face a Bush presidency *and* a Pap smear tomorrow.

I have to wash my hands - I'm carrying around the inside of my nose!

The Church in my town imports low-calorie, high-fiber communion wafers. I call them "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus."

- That movie with Benn Affleck and Sandra Bullock...
- Forces of Nature.
- Yeah!
- Sucks.
- Well, it doesn't have the ending you'd expect.
- I think the ending is where I fall asleep on my couch.

- I think I'm on crack, because I saw Jeremy Irons in that movie.
- No, Jeremy Irons is on crack.

- Love the Floyd.
- I love you, Floyd!

The Fremen do not do the Hokey-Pokey. They do not turn themselves around. That is *not* what it's all about.

- It's an Irish-Catholic Greek tragedy!
- O'Edipus!

- Can I go to the store with you?
- Do you have legs?
- Yes! Yes, I do!

- Give Craig the blankie!
- I didn't know you were cold.
- Yes, and now he's trying to usurp mine.
- The word is "share".

I'm much more of a solipsist. It's all about me, and I suck.

- Let's bomb them all. Then they'll sit down and shut up.
- They'll lie down and be dead. And shut up.

- I need new resolutions, because I've given up on last year's.
- What were they?
- Well, one was not to use hyperbole, which I do ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

- I'm having a real pregnancy moment. I'm absent-minded.
- Isn't it great to have something to blame it on?
- Your body is busy doing other things.
- It's building something important.
- It's conserving its resources.
- "I can use this asparagus to make hair!"

You rule! You all rule! Everybody rules! It's a democracy!

- Eric is a mutant!
- Eric is the next wave!
- Eric is the Tomorrow People!
- I'm Gumby, dammit!

- Go play in the corner.
- Go play in the shallow pool.
- Go play in traffic.

- It's a paradox.
- It's a parasite.
- It's a pair of pants!
- What is it with you and the three thing today?

- Jeremy, you don't pay your wife three thousand dollars a night?
- I do, but I take it out of her checking account.

- Think outside the box.
- But the pizza is *in* the box!

- You guys, promise me that if I die, you won't hold my memorial at the Dura-Lube 400. I don't want my memorial to have anything to do with the word 'lube'.
- We'll hold it at Escapade.
-... okay, then it can have something to do with the word 'lube'.

- Everyone's Japanese on St. Patrick's Day!
- Everyone must read gay porn on St. Patrick's Day!
- Fuck me up the ass, I'm Irish!

I don't want to buy a Spike if he's pregnant - oh, but he isn't.

- Frank leads a life of quiet desperation.
- Vinnie leads a life of noisy desperation.

Wow, if I ever need a lawyer, I'm calling you. "You should give me that - and here to speak on my behalf is Tara."

- Water, water, everywhere...
- and all of it is pink!

- Look at this - birds, bugs, cows, fire, frogs...
- It must be an X Files vid!
- Or Pesach...

Melissa is the coolest, but we are *so cool*!

- Male to male.
- It has a penis.
- It has *two* penises.
- Penii.
- It's a slash cable!

- I killed it. I killed it dead. I killed it because apparently, you can't get enough torque from an Allen wrench and a girl like me.
- Don't try, Todd. Don't even try. Just go away for a little while.

- When is he going to learn not to carry the drugs through an airport? Buy the drugs when you get there!
- What if he's going somewhere where there are no drugs?
- He was going to *Las Vegas*!
-... wow, that's pretty much carrying coals to Newcastle, isn't it?
- It's the American version - carrying crack to Las Vegas.

- Then there's the razor wire on top of the cemetery walls...
- Pointless.
- It's to keep them from voting.

- We need a coffee maker.
- That should go near the top of the list, because we'll need it next weekend.
- What's next weekend?
- ... a time when we'll need coffee. Next weekend has two mornings.

It's the best of both worlds - aggression *and* yogurt!

You are the king of the snacky-smores, my friend.

'shrooms for industry!

Lackey! Lackey! Jedi Lackey! I'm a Jedi Lackey, dammit! Over -

Would you like a can of scream?

I had a clameurism!

Boo Hoo Hoo and a Bottle of Rum - it's the Horatio Hornblower crap zine.

"... but we had sex!"
"... we had sex!"
"... Sex!"

"... and we had snacks!"
"... we had some beer and snacks!"
"... Snacks!"

- Tara fixed the ending, which is good, because it needed to be fixed.
- Oh. I thought it needed to be blowed up, but okay.

- There's nothing that brings people together better than -
- Arson.

- Okay, there's a drum machine in Hell.
-Duh - where do you think synth drums *come* from?

- Why would bugs be in Hell and not anything else?
- 'cause they're Communist.

Amanda walked in circles for about five minutes.

You know what this really is is that she just wants to fuck her. "Eight weeks, Ashley, and you can't leave until I say so!"

Is this Due South?

Run, Scully - cat puppets!!

"I have ennui. " "I'd better stay over."

I like my slash like I like my coffee - instant!

I like a good fade-to-black, but there's something missing - and it's the sex.

NOOOOO, SHANNON, NOOOOOOO!

"We're fine, Officer, we're just laughing about chemical castration."

"Do you have a partner, Officer? Do you fuck your partner, sir?"

There were no smells in the car, no open bottles, no evidence - just pornography. "Just men butt-fucking each other, sir, we're stone-cold sober."

- You're missing my cancer vibes!
- They must be weak.

Just when I'm feeling bad about my writing - I never write about tiny pink rowboats.

Dorinda is cranky and itchy. She has a slash diaper that leaks.

- It was, um...
- Lame?
- It was lame.

I said "I'm sorry" twice because I'm *really* sorry.

All we do is quote things. It's a life, I guess.

"Afikommen" translates to "O.J. Simpson" in English.

You know, that was worth coming to Baltimore for. We can go home now. Thank you.

Loads and loads of gratuitous mind-melding.

- You don't exist!
- You're not here!
- This is the first year I've not been here.

Creation Cons are like the kiddie pool - not very exciting and everyone pees in them.

Aren't you supportive! One might say co-dependent!

When did you get here? I was asleep. Let me rephrase that. Hi...

Wiggly Pringle!

- That's Philip!
- Where's Terence?

So, I hear they killed your boy!

We're the mean list, and we're proud of it.

Poofy the Vampire Slayer.

She's torturing Angel - she's ruining his chest!

They're supposed to *stay dead* when you kill them.

If it's slash, we're there. At least briefly.

It's awfully hard to get into character in this environment - my motivation is to smack you.

No, it's "We've got to get to Connexions" and it's my line anyway.

"We've got to get to Connexions that's not my fucking line is it!!!!!"

- All we did was piss - 'at's right, we got inna car, drove to Baltimore, pissed, got back inna car, drove home.
- You were lucky! We hadda crawl to Baltimore, peeing as we went!

- Dorinda, you're making us laugh near police again.
- These are the Illinois police.
- They radioed ahead about us. The giggly girls.

We watched Apocalypse Now last night - DAMN! President Hottie and his naked butt!

- La!
- La!
- La!
- Are we communicating now?
- LA!!
- Dude.

I'm sorry; you're too stupid to live - thank you for playing. We have a lovely parting gift, though - a bullet in the head!

- If you won the lottery, where would we live?
- That would depend on which lottery I won.
- The lottery where you get stoned to death!
-Well, I wouldn't care where you lived, but I'd be dead - so I'd have that whole housing thing solved.

- Curt doesn't like Xena.
- Curt doesn't like Joxer.
- Few people do.
- Oh, it melted while we were singing...

See? Pants! And it's only 2:49! I got a jump on the day!

- Some of the Goldfish have no smiley faces -
- That's 'cause they're sentient.
- Cheddar Sapiens!
- The missing link between humans and snack food.

Give me nausea, give me pain, give me debilitation, but don't give me a due date.

- I'm afraid of animals with opposable thumbs.
- That's why you don't like people.

- Is it the Virgin Mary in a tree - or not? *You* decide.
- All I can say is I could never be a Catholic.

- I'm tired of being the sugar daddy. You be the sugar daddy now.
- Oh, I don't think so. That's not in my contract.
- Yes it is. You signed a pact with Satan. While you were asleep.
- I slept with Satan? I think I'd remember that.

- It's all about cock.
- And you'd think that for me, of all people, that would make it better, but it doesn't.

Massengill Medicated Disposable Wuss - for thos not-so-strong days.

- But if they could see America today, they'd be bummed!
- Well, Jefferson would be bumming in a theoretical kind of bumming, but Adams would be bummed to the heart.

- Old Navy *and* Amazon.com?
- I told you, everything is owned by one guy named Steve.
- Is he married?

- I have a psychic connection with animals. They call me the Beastmaster, you know.
- Yes, but I hear that's not why.