new as of 12/28/02

new as of 3/22/03

new as of 11/15/03

- Can you believe the nerve of this program? I hit "exit" and it *went away*!
- Photoshop is hard.
- I want a Barbie that says that!

- I can't believe Parsifal is that long.
- I though you knew how long this opera was. The Germans have really long words.
- It'll be seven o'clock before they get to the verbs!

Ooooh! I'm all excited! How unlike me!

Oh, so I just get you cast-off penises, then.

The distress call is coming from *inside the house*!

The passive voice for the sex act! I love it!

*I* don't wanna fuck him out of the coma - *you* fuck him out of the coma!

- Isn't she supposed to be having contractions now?
- She can't have contractions, she doesn't know how to use an apostrophe.

- Jack is full of bullets!
- Jack is full of mullets? Like he's waiting for the eighties to come back?

- You have a slight case of nakedness.
- Hey, all the pertinent parts of me are covered!
- The *im*pertinent parts of you are covered.
- They're actually pretty perky right now.
- Thanks for sharing.

- This story is like a merengue. You know, like a good merengue is mostly air. So this story is like an evil merengue.
- A merengue made out of poo!
- Yes.
- It's a poomerengue!

Wow. Our expectations were low, and they were not met.

- I dreamed Amanda was in an upper-middle class concentration camp in the Berkshires.
- Well, that's good, because it means I got a raise...

They were participants in the activity, but not for the usual reasons, if you know what I mean, and I think you do - robble robble robble.

Either I have a lesbian stalker or the FBI is after me. And I stole some cheese.

- Who gave you caffeine?
- God did!
- God is a bad, bad God.

They are the king of cute noodles! Wow...

- I make friends everywhere I go. It's because I'm so friendly and cheerful.
- No it's not - it's because you have props! You're the Carrot Top of making friends!

- Jesus didn't do spoiler warnings.
- Yes he did!
- No, he did not.
- Oh, wait - you're totally right. He said "One of you will deny me and one of you will betray me" and they were like "Dude, we haven't *seen* that episode!"

- There were elves handing out Krispy Kremes in front of Marshall Field's.
- Krispy Kremes! Wooo!
- The elves were kind of scary.
- I'd be happy to see Manson and Gacy handing out Krispy Kremes!

- I'm glad you know what I mean, because I still don't.
- I understand you. Thousands wouldn't.

"Please excuse Jed from fucking Leo out of his alcoholic stupor, as he has MS today. Signed, Abbey."

- Wow, Dave, in your case, more really is more!
- Yes, but I really didn't like him as Bond.

- Boil!
- That doesn't work.
- Why can't I intimidate water?
- You can - but water doesn't boil when it's intimidated. It cowers.
- So... I need to encourage it. "You are *so* sexy!"

- Next time I choose roommates, I'm going with some who can control the climate.
- So you're going to be rooming in the Underworld, then?
- Hey, don't knock the Underworld!
- I try not to!
- Stop being funny away from the quote book. Amanda, remember all this.
- Yeah, that'll happen.
- Rachel, remember this.
- Okay! What were we talking about?

- We don't need an ABM treaty, 'cause what we really want is to piss off China.
- What are they going to do, invade with bikes?

- Could he look stupider?
- No, he couldn't, because that would require acting.

- What we need are Jessica-flavored weasel balls.
- That's not a sentence I've ever heard before.
- I should think not!

I love my dead, gay wizard!

I go away, I read an article, I come back, and we're talking about poking holes in our skulls.

Walk faster, yuppies - you're worth a lot of points.

Fight Angel with Arthur!

We're not ordering pizza, so you're free of my pizza tyranny. You never had it so good.

- Lord of the Rings - wow - what did you trade for?
- I traded -
- She traded her soul.
- Good trade!

- I have a midget.
- I think it comes with the office. Like, you become Number 2, You get the midget. Like a company car.
- The company midget.
- It's a perq. He's Perq the Midget!

- I want to be able to say evil things like that - and mean them!
- Get into management.

- I dreamed I was gut-punched.
- In my Maidenform Bra.

You have to swallow a lot of frogs before you swallow a prince.

- I'll touch your head. Is that better.
- Not really, no. It's not as satisfying.
- Wait ten years.

- You're just in time for vids!
- Can I change first?
- Well, who are you going to change into, because you might squick Laura!
- Okay, totally didn't get that, laughing anyway.

Please, it's just golf! It's just golf and a magical black man!

- Shut up, all of you!
- But they wuv you!
- They can wuv me *quietly*.

- Arthur is trapped by your bra.
- He's trying to eat my bra. And, it's Arthur, so I'm actually worrying. ... My bra is winning. That's pitiful. ... He got free of my bra. Fool. My bra taunts you.

- We didn't realize you were watching it!
- I didn't realize you were watching it. It was a misunderstanding from 30 feet away.

- I'm having Jell-O.
- Okay.
- Jell-O is my friend.
- I think you'll find that Jell-O will betray you in the end.
- Everyone does.

Quit empowering me!

- We could kick you.
- I vote no.
- You're outvoted! Kick, kick, kick, kick.
-Democracy sucks.

I'm gonna have to fucking kill myself. What a waste of a human life - mine.

- I have to touch my husband?
- C'mon honey, once a year.

It's about Bird's imbirdity to Bird.

The Squirrel of Justice got you.

Cats don't know from polymers.

Oh, the dialog - it corners like the Titanic!

Hey, if you've got the show, and you've created your own bully pulpit, you might as well speak out on things that I agree with.

- I'm torn, because the linguist part of me is happy - "English is flexible and it changes!"- and the conservative part says "Stop it! Leave it alone!"
- Boy, if you were French, you'd have to kill yourself!
- Oh, I would anyway.

We're large, moveable snot rags which ocassionally feed him. Ask for us by name!

- Don't crap all over my karma.
- You have no karma.
- Crap!

- Your momma don't dance, and your daddy don't rock and roll.
- It's hard to dance in Army boots.
- And dressing you funny.
- Right! I'm too busy dressing you funny to dance!

Rape is great! Rape brings people together!

- I hate puns.
- Do you really?
- No.

- It's just ... over the top.
- Well, when do Sorkin and subtle go together?
- That's true.
- But he's only not subtle if you're educated. He's the Grad School Hammer of the Obvious.

Why are there people desecrating the Arctic with oral hygene?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I was talking to the cheese.
- ... only in this house....

- I finished my vid!
- You *totally* finished your vid!
- They said it couldn't be done - well, no, they said it *wouldn't* be done....

- I think I had a slash awakening with the Wild Wild West when I was a kid.
- It was the pants.

This is your fault because someone mentioned Gay Pants and so I immediately thought of I Spy!

- There aren't many photos of Frodo I don't love.
- He caused me to learn Photoshop!

See, this is what I like. Naked women with no brassieres sitting around sucking towels together for inexplicable reasons.

- I think cats would feel very free about saying stuff like, "That sweater makes you look fat. Give me tuna."
- Mostly, I think they'd say things like "out, out, out, out, out, out, out, OUT! In, in, in, in, in, in, in, IN! Out, out, out ...."
- Hey! They can write Q/O fic!

- Look at this!
- What is it?
- It's clay. But somehow I want to eat it.

- How do you have anime SCA?
- A sword and big eyes.

- Wait, I forgot the name of...
- That guy.
- Yeah.

- It's raining somene else's money.
- The best kind of rain.

- It's okay to hate Amanda, because she's not a real woman.
- I'm not?
- No - you're a misogynistic society's version of what a real woman should be.
- Oh, hardly.

- You don't love them for their intelligence. You love them for a genetic fluke.
- Mitosis is your bitch.

If' you'd told me fifteen years ago how many drugs my friends and I would be taking that aren't even fun, I wouldn't have believed you.

I took away my echo chamber by putting a banana in it.

Dance to the hand.

- I love autumn.
- Isn't it beautiful?
- You know what's sad - I was thinking "We need to move the tv outside."

There goes Dorinda's dick again.

- Now I've got ben-wa Weebles.
- Weebles wobble but the don't fall out.
- For your lover's inner child.

- Lex's ass is the road to Damascus.
- All roads lead up Lex's ass.

- I feel like I'm making up a new dance.
- The Turkey!
- Like the Funky Chicken.
- The Fucking Turkey!

Feed a gun wound, starve a supermodel.

- She looks like Hugh Grant.
- She's Willem Dafoe!
- Not every woman is Willem Dafoe.

It sucks to grab the attention of a multi-state task force.

Sy was not high. Sy was drunk.

- Everything's hyperbole with you!
- And I can't stress enough how much you overstate your case.

- We mock because we care.
- Well, we mock because we mock.
- We mock because we care about mocking.

Deaf and blind and mute. And also dead....

- You can't shower all at once. Sometimes you need a breather.
- You have to back off!
- Take a break.
- You want me to find your chi?
- Me and my chi, we're like this.

- Elijah Wood visits every Jewish household once a year.
- He's never visited here!
- We're not a Jewish household.
- You're Jewish!
- Hardly.
- Well, it's a good reason to keep kosher.
- Okay - no more pork.

Okay, she may be an evil black lesbian, but she's also a spider and I bet you didn't see that coming.

They all deserve their own Oscars. And a coat.

- Oh, sugar and spice and OW.
- Penny? "Motherfucker" always a good choice.

It's very happy in Amandaland, only it has a silly name.

What do you call it when you're a drunk but you can still function? Oh, functioning.

- Well, we are what we are.
- Which is college boys.
- Ah. We are what we aren't.

- What's that word for something inherently contradictory?
- Paradox.
- Right! I couldn't come up with it. I was like, oxymoron, oxymoron, oxymoron, fuck it.

I like the Earth. It's where I keep all my stuff.

You know, the whole plastic sheets and duct tape thing? If I can breathe, then that means stuff is still getting in, and if I can't breathe, then it seems I have another problem.

- I think we should live in a world where I decide who lives and who dies.
- I so would not want to live in that world. I love you dearly, but you're not always rational.
- Yeah, but I'm always right.

Wait, we're all Dr. Cox? That explains a lot about our apartment.

Don't do the claymation goosestep - it kills me!

Little Miss Kill-Yourself-At-MediaWest-Get-All-The-Attention pants.

2:00 -- X Files: Without David Duchovny, did the show work? No. Next?

- He just took off like a potato out of hell.
- Oh, man, that's one bad potato.

- Amanda's gonna peel her face off.
- Oh, honey, no, you need your face. That California sun is hard.
- My muscles are up to the challenge.

As we speak, we're speaking!

No ass now -- ass later!

- That guitar is asngry at its father.
- "I wanted to be a twelve-string!"
- "You'll have six strings and like it! And if you don't stop whining I'll take two strings away and you'll be a bass!"

- I'm gonna buy you a whole lot of Rod Stewart CDs.
- You are evil. Actually, I got a really bad paper cut, so you're avenged.

- I'm surrounded by insane people!
- Here, have a purple goldfish.

-Which one has all the talent and which one has the really high voice?
- Don't make me snarf buffalo, woman.
- What's buffalo woman?
- Something I don't want to snarf.

- I am not cute. I am intimidating and sophisticated.
- Yes, you are truly a woman of mystery. The mystery being why are you stalking Jessica? Oh, I know, it's because she has tons of Farscape!

- In this chat, I've killed Jesus, and in another one, I've put alien beans up my nose. It sure is Friday.

- Ooooo, Spaghettios!
- No - Uh-oh, Spaghettios.

- Tell me to go write.
- Go write.
- That wasn't very convincing.
- Go write or you'll die.
- What will I die of?
- Chagrin.
- That's not going to work! Now, if it had been rabid weasels --
- You've never heard of the Rabid Weasels of Chagrin?

Wait -- it's not a Wahlberg who isn't a Wahlberg -- it's a Baldwin who isn't a Baldwin!

You could tell me, but then I'd have to shoot me.

Oh, Mandy Patinkin! He makes everything better. Like garlic.

- They're going to get his knowledge from his unborn child's memory DNA.
- Their science is different from ours.
- Yes, it's fictional.

Fade that country music, white boy.

Alas, poor Yorick -- he'd make a good candy dish!

- We have no milk. Why don't we have milk? We suck.
- You're lack-milk intolerant!

- I hope they're going to explain what happened in World War I.
- Nothing. It's a thing. You can watch the sequel without seeing it.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, fuck you.

- My fandom is 5'4".
- Your fandom is my favorite show.

- I don't want the needle, so can I just swallow the heroin?
- Do you want chewable heroin?
- I want Flintstones Chewable Heroin.

I am Jack's favorite moment in fandom.

Loaves of infirm fuckin' hippies!

I think Juliette Lewis is another example of pot-induced puppetry.

- Oh, the DVD player is fixed. I turned it on and it's playing Blazing Saddles.
- I hope there's a Blazing Saddles DVD in there, because otherwise that's not my definition of fixed, that's my definition of haunted.

- The best thing about bobbleheads is that they always say "yes"!
- I don't think he's saying "yes" -- I think he's saying "I have Parkinson's Disease".